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Do You Talk in Your Sleep?
“Benny, you’re looking oysegematert,” says Laurence. “What’s wrong?”
“I couldn’t get to sleep last night, that’s what’s wrong,” replies Benny. “Mine Hannah was moaning in her sleep all night long, shouting out the same words over and over again. And I got so worried and angry hearing them.”
“So what were these words?” asks Laurence.
Trying to mimic his wife’s voice, Benny replies, “NO JOSHUA NO, I’M TIRED! NO JOSHUA NO, I’M TIRED! NO JOSHUA NO, I’M TIRED! And she kept on repeating them over and over and over again.”
“So what don’t you like about those words?” asks Laurence. “They don’t seem very wrong to me.”
“Of course they’re wrong,” says Benny. “My name isn’t Joshua. So who can Joshua be?”
“Well obviously I don’t know that,” says Laurence, “but why not look at last …
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Featured
Three Kopeks
Two souls met midway between heaven and earth. One was descending to be clothed in a body, …
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The Case of the Angry Honoree
A congregant has made a large contribution to his synagogue. But he has long since forgotten …
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Has It Come to That?
A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Hanukkah cards.
She says to the …
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Most Read
From Generation to Generation
A sixty year old man went to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, "You’re … Read more »
A Mother Knows
A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going … Read more »
R-E-S-P-E-C-T, Tell Me What it Means to Me
There were two carriage drivers of Poland who were in constant rivalry for passengers. One was Ivan … Read more »
Latest
A Dying Man’s Last Request
Ninety year old Shmuel is at the end of his life. He’s in a hospital bed with his sixty year old wife Becky sitting in a chair next to his bed. Suddenly, Shmuel opens his eyes and quietly says to her, “Becky, you know I’m going to die soon?”
“Yes, darling,” she replies quietly, “I know that.”
“Well then,” continues Shmuel, “now’s the time to be honest with me. Have you ever been unfaithful to me in all the time we’ve been married?”
…
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Fat Doctor
Dr. Simon is doing his rounds at the Minsky Retirement Home when he comes to ninety year old Hetty. As soon as she sees him, she says, “My, you are sure looking very handsome today, doctor.”
“Thank you Hetty,” says doctor Simon. “It’s very nice of you to say that.”
“Ha,” says Hetty, “I can see from your face that you don’t …
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A Shopping Spree
Rachel decides to do some shopping and manages to persuade her husband Howard to join her at the shopping center. After two hours of looking around one women’s clothes shop after another, Rachel suddenly realizes that Howard is no longer with her. So she calls him on his mobile phone to see what’s what.
“So where are you?” she angrily asks …
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A Date With Justice
Louis and Hymie are arguing strongly about a consignment of dried Israeli dates that Hymie has recently bought from Louis.
“Just look at them,” says Hymie. “Any shmuck can see that they are not fresh enough for me to sell in my shop. I want my money back. And if I don’t get it, I’ll have to find another distributor.”
But …
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The Materialistic Cyclist
A man was riding along a Florida beach on his Goldwing when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God called out, “Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.”
The biker pulled over and said, “Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over …
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An Apple a Day
A very attractive and sparsely dressed woman gets on the 8 AM bus going to Jerusalem. It’s a popular bus with haredim, and it’s almost full when she gets on. She looks around for a seat and can only find one next to Elimelech, a black-hat yeshiva bochur. So she walks over to the seat and sits down.
Her short …
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Matchmaker, Matchmaker…
At the morning minyan, Rabbi Weinstock couldn’t help noticing twenty-something year-old Benny sitting at the back of the shul, looking very sad. After the service, Rabbi Weinstock goes to him. “What’s wrong, Benny? Tell me. Maybe I can help.”
“Oh, Rabbi,” replies Benny, “I just don’t know what to do. Whenever I bring a new girlfriend to my house and introduce …
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Long Live Esperanto!
In the 1920′s, an Esperanto convention was held in Brazil. Learned scholars from every part of the globe participated — Esperantists from England, France, Spain, Germany, Italy, Russia, the United States, Mexico, Canada, South Africa — you name it, it was represented there.
Presentation after presentation extolled the value of Esperanto, explaining how sharing a common language would lead to world …
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Three Kopeks
Two souls met midway between heaven and earth. One was descending to be clothed in a body, and the other was ascending after a lifetime of service within the world.
“What is it like down there?” inquired the descending soul.
“Well, for three kopeks one can purchase the strands to be tied into tzitzis,” replied the ascending soul.
The descending soul eagerly hastened …
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The Butler Wasn’t Jewish
A Jewish couple in London won twenty-million pounds in the lottery. They bought a magnificent mansion in Knightsbridge and surrounded themselves with all the material wealth imaginable. They decided to hire a butler. They found the perfect butler through an agency, very proper and very British, and brought him back to their home. The day after his arrival, he was …
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Golf Membership Application
An elderly Scottish Jew decided to retire and take up golf, so he applied for membership at a local golf club. About a week later he received a letter that his application has been rejected. He went to the club to inquire as to why.
Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?
Scot: Aye, but I am as …
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The Price of a Blindfold
Two Jews are being tied to posts, about to be shot by a firing squad.
The first one asks for a blindfold.
…
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Hot New Chanukah Present
This year’s best new Chanukah present for girls:
It’s a Jewish Mother Doll.
…
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Highest Rated Jokes This Month
- Fatherhood * * * * 1 vote
- A Shopping Spree * * * 1 vote
- A Date With Justice * * 1 vote
- A Dying Man’s Last Request * ½ 2 votes
- Fat Doctor * 1 vote
- Spot the Landsman * 1 vote
Highest Rated Jokes of All Time
- A Mother Knows * * * * * 4 votes
- A Dinner Dilemma * * * * * 1 vote
- An Auspicious Inauguration * * * * * 1 vote
- Out of Time * * * * * 1 vote
- Food For Thought * * * * * 1 vote
- A Legacy * * * * * 1 vote
- Three Kopeks * * * * * 1 vote
- From Generation to Generation * * * * ½ 5 votes
- Has It Come to That? * * * * ½ 3 votes
- A Bridge to Hawaii * * * * ½ 3 votes
These Jokes Need Some Votes
- A Papal Visit * * * * 1 vote
- Up Where You Belong * * * * 1 vote
- Three New Cars: Dedicated to God * * * * 1 vote
- The Eleventh Plague * * 1 vote
- The Race is Not to the Swift * * 1 vote
- An Amazing Man * * * * 1 vote
- Fine for Swimming * * * 1 vote
- Twenty Sad Stories * * 1 vote
- A Quick Learner * * 1 vote
- The Penitent * * 1 vote