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Passover Music

Q:  What’s the best music for Passover? …
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Jews in Sports

Jews in Sports

The new prominence of sports at Conservative day schools necessitates a method by which Jewish umpires and referees can count players who are presumably Jewish. Inspired by the tradition of counting a minyan by reciting the ten-word sentence beginning “Hoshia et Amecha…” (Psalm 28:9), the Committee on Law and Standards has prescribed the following verses for use in determining when to …
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Riddle Me This!

Riddle Me This!

Q:  How can you tell when a Russian immigrant to Israel is a pianist? …
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Jewish Geography

Jewish Geography

Q:   What do Jews and Minneapolis have in common? …
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I Don’t Want to Go to School!

I Don’t Want to Go to School!

A mother goes into her son’s room.  “You’ve got to get up for school, Bernie.” Bernie pulls the blankets over his head.  “I don’t want to go to school.” “But you have to,” his mother said. “I don’t want to.  The teachers don’t like me and all the kids make fun of me.” Mother pulls the blanket back a little, “Bernie, you don’t have …
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Averting Family Tragedy

Averting Family Tragedy

A Reform Jew goes to his rabbi, very depressed. “My son,” he says, “has become very orthodox.  He studies full time in a yeshiva, and claims that everything in our kitchen is treif, so he can never eat with us.  And worst of all, he’s influenced our daughter.  She’s left the house and gone to study at some super orthodox seminary …
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Friends to the End

Friends to the End

Two Jews are dragged off by antisemites and tied to posts before a firing squad. The first one cries, “Stop! Stop!  You’re murdering an innocent man.” …
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Darwin and Grandma

Darwin and Grandma

Jennifer Finkel, a gansa “Ivy” freshman, brought home equally pompous pals.  She couldn’t wait to show off her new knowledge in front of her bubbe.   Arguing with great intensity, the co-eds discussed Darwin and the revisionists’ attack on the theory of evolution. Finally, bubbe spoke up. “Oy vey. For dis mine son pays a fortune?!  Feh!  Narishkeit! ” “No, gram,” protested Jen …
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Famous Last Words

Famous Last Words

A new flood is predicted and nothing can prevent it.  In three days, the waters will wipe out the world. The Dalai Lama appears on worldwide media and pleads with humanity to follow Buddhist teachings to find nirvana in the wake of the disaster. The pope issues a similar challenge, saying, “It is still not too late to accept Jesus.” The Chief Rabbi …
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The One That Got Away

The One That Got Away

Sol and Max were describing their fishing expeditions with great relish. “Once in Florida,” said Sol, “I caught a fish so huge, it took three men to shlep it in!” “That’s nothing,” scoffed Max. “I once caught a lamp, with a date engraved on it — 1492, when Columbus discovered America!” “Big deal,” said Solly rising from his chair.  “My fish weighed 150 …
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A Chance Encounter

A Chance Encounter

An orthodox Jew was traveling on El Al, when his seat-mate asked what he did for a living. “I’m a rabbi.” “Well,” said the man condescendingly, “I was born Jewish.  I don’t know much about it, but I presume I could sum it up in one sentence: ‘Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.’” The rabbi smiled, then said, …
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Calm in a Storm

Calm in a Storm

Mendel was on a ship emigrating from Russia to America.  The second day, a huge storm erupted.  People screamed and chairs went flying.  Yet Mendel calmly read his book. “Mendel!” yelled a fellow passenger.  “How can you sit there when the ship may be sinking?!” …
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The Eye Exam

The Eye Exam

When Izydor Epstein, originally from Poland, applied for an American driver’s license, he was asked to read the eye chart. The clerk pointed to the first line, with the letters “P O W Z Y N S K E Y.” “Now sir,” said the clerk. “Can you read this?” …
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Jews Not Wanted Here

Jews Not Wanted Here

Avram went into a church, took out his tallis and tefillin, and began to pray. The clergyman entered to start services: “Will all non-Christians please leave.” Avram continued davening.” Again the clergyman said, “Will all non-Christians please leave.” And again, Avram prayed. Finally, the distraught clergyman sidled right up to Avram. “Will ALL JEWS please leave.” At this, Avram removed tefillin, packed up his tallis, and …
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Eisenhower and Ben-Gurion

Eisenhower and Ben-Gurion

One day, Dwight Eisenhower met Ben-Gurion in the Oval Office.  He said, “It is very hard to be president of 170-million people.” …
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Three Wishes

Three Wishes

Timothy and Lyle are walking down Main Street with Moshe, their boss, when they find an oil lamp.  With a rub, out pops a genie. “You get one wish apiece,” says the genie. Lyle declares, “I want to be on a yacht in Bermuda!”  Poof.  He disappears. Tim exclaims, “Make mine Hawaii –with beauty queens!”  Poof.  He disappears. …
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Know Your Berachas: A Quiz

Know Your Berachas:  A Quiz

1. What is the correct blessing to recite before taking poison? 2. What is the correct blessing to recite before taking LSD? …
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Ewes by Choice

Ewes by Choice

Following Rabbi Swindler’s report to the Reform Movement’s steering committee regarding the conversion of animals, our Temple here in Auckland immediately began a “Ewes by Choice” class. We are proud to report that we have had over ten million respondents.  If this trend continues we may end up converting the entire sheep population of New Zealand, increasing world Jewry by sixty …
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She is Beyond Price

She is Beyond Price

“A terrible thing,” says Jacob to his friend.  “My daughter is to be married tomorrow, and I promised a dowry of five-thousand rubles.  Now, half the dowry is missing.” …
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Communication Breakdown

Communication Breakdown

A Jew asks his friend: “How does the telegraph system work?  I don’t understand how they can make a message go down a wire.” His friend says, “Simple.  Imagine a giant dog, with his head in Moscow and his tail in Leningrad.  Pull the tail in Leningrad’ and the head barks in Moscow.” “Yes, but what about wireless telegraphy?  How does that …
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