Jewish Jokes » Archive
They Used Goldberg’s Nails
Old Mister Goldberg opens a hardware store. He finds a picture of Jesus nailed to the cross, left from the previous occupant. Goldberg hangs it up as an advertisement with the caption: “They used Goldberg’s nails.”
His son, upon seeing this, exclaims to his father, “You can’t use that! It will cause antisemitism.”
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Filed under: Anti-Semitism
Ahmadinejad’s Wish Come True
A Canadian, an Iranian, and an Israeli find an old lamp in the desert. A genie floats out and offers to grant three wishes, one for each of them.
The Canadian says, “In my my family we have always been farmers. I want my land to be very fruitful.”
The genie grants his wish.
The Iraqi says,
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Buyer’s Remorse
Chaim, a New York Jew, has a thriving business as a producer of notions for the local garment industry. He seeks to expand his business by getting an order from a huge nationally-known company in the Midwest, which happens to be owned and managed entirely by gentiles.
After months of writing letters and making telephone calls, Chaim finally gets an appointment with company’s antisemitic head buyer.
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Filed under: Circumcision, Jewish Blue-ish, Traditions
Desert Dress Code
A man is plodding through the desert, desperate for water, when he sees something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walks towards the image, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it.
“I”m dying of thirst, can I have some water?”
“I don’t have any water. Buy a tie? Here’s one that goes very nicely.”
“I …
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Filed under: Anti-Semitism
High Tech Comes to Israel First
Digging to a depth of one thousand meters last year, French scientists found traces of copper wire dating back one thousand years. The French came to the conclusion that their ancestors had a telephone network centuries ago.
Not to be outdone by the French, English scientists dug to a depth of two thousand meters. Shortly thereafter, headlines in the UK newspapers read, “English archaeologists have found traces of a two-thousand-year-old fiber-optic cable, and have …
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Filed under: Israel
The Water Hazard
Moses and Hashem are playing golf.
Moses went to take the shot. The ball landed in the pond, and sank to the bottom. Moses walked up to the pond, stuck his club into the ground, and the water split in half. He walked into the pond on dry land, the water hazard forming walls on the left and the right, and from there he took another shot: Hole in two.
Hashem shoots …
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Filed under: Traditions, Uncategorized
Not a Routine Traffic Stop
A policeman stops a Jewish driver.
He tells him, “Excuse me Sir, there seems to be a problem.”
He replies, “Yes Officer, how can I help?”
The policeman says, “I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news for you…”
The driver replies: “Oh no. Please, tell me…”
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Filed under: Family Life, Marriage
A Lifetime Together
Isaac is on his death bed with beloved wife Esther sitting with him.
He says: “Esther, when I was twenty and I failed my driving test, you were by my side…”
Esther: “Yes, my love…”
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Filed under: Family Life, Marriage
Meet C. R. Eldrich
Abe runs into his old friend Hymie in Miami and yells, “Lipshitz, how’ve you been?”
Hymie whispers anxiously, “Shhh. My name isn’t Hymie Lipshitz any more. I’ve changed it to C. R. Eldrich.”
“From where did you get such a fancy name?” asks Abe.
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Filed under: Immigration, Jewish History
A Summer Miracle
Sarah was walking with her little son on the seashore, when suddenly a big wave came and swept away the boy.
Desperately, Sarah begged Hashem for help. She would be even still more devoted to Him, serve Him with even greater enthusiasm.
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Filed under: Mothers, Traditions
The Winning Ticket
Becky runs into the house and yells to her husband, “Izzy, pack your bags! I won the lottery!”
“Should I pack for warm weather or cold?” asks Izzy excitedly!
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Filed under: Family Life, Marriage
Everyone Has Something to be Thankful For
I’ve sure gotten old! I’ve had two by-pass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I’m half blind, can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, and I take forty different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to black outs.
I have bouts with dementia; and poor circulation; don’t hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can’t remember if I’m eighty-five or ninety-two. All my friends are …
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Filed under: Family Life, Grandparents
A Blaze of Glory
One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. In a flash, the plant exploded into flames.
The alarm went out to the fire departments from miles around. When the firefighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, “All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give fifty thousand …
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Filed under: Immigration, Uncategorized
How to Fit in at Shul…NOT!
“Hey, my book’s misprinted back to front!”
“Isn’t it impolite to talk when the Rabbi is talking?”
“Who brings kids to a place like this?”
“Why do people keep coming in even after the service begins? Don’t they know what time it starts?”
“You’d think nobody had ever seen a cell phone.”
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Filed under: Congregants, Rabbis, Ritual, Synagogue Life
Presidential Dreams
Mahmoud Ahmedinijad, Iran’s President, called George W. Bush on the phone late one night.
I’ve had a remarkable dream, Mr. Bush”, he said, “and it’s something you should know about.”
“Well Mr. Mindinajar, what was your dream all about?”, queried the President.
“I dreamed that the USA had gone through an enlightening reformation”, he said, “and in front of every house was a huge banner.”
“That’s intriguing, Mr. Dimjimnadar. Tell me, what did it say on these banners?”
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