Jewish Jokes » Archive
Silence is Golden
One day a Jewish apostate decides to join the monks of a silent order. These monks aren’t allowed to say anything at all, except that every ten years they may utter three words.
So ten years go by and he doesn’t say anything. At the end, the holy father comes up to him and asks him to speak his three words.
…
Read the whole shebang »
Filed under: Uncategorized
The Emperor’s New Bodyguard
The emperor is auditioning for a new bodyguard. The first applicant enters, a giant swordsman with a frightening countenance. He releases an eagle that immediately whooshes around the room at high speed. The man draws his sword, swings three times in the air, and a dead eagle plummets to the floor in four pieces.
“That’s amazing!” exclaims the emperor. “You shall be my bodyguard; but first, to be fair, I must audition the two other applicants.”
The …
Read the whole shebang »
Filed under: Circumcision
Last Wishes of the Soon-to-be Headless
Dan Rather, Katie Couric, and an Israeli commando were captured by terrorists in Iraq. The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.
Dan Rather said, “Well, I’m a Texan, so I’d like one last bowlful of hot spicy chili.”
The leader nodded to an underling, who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, “Now I can die content.”
Katie Couric said, …
Read the whole shebang »
Filed under: Anti-Semitism, Arabs, Israel, Politics
This Site Under Construction
Dear Egypt,
If you destroy the pyramids we will not rebuild.
Sincerely,
The Jews
…
Read the whole shebang »
Filed under: Arabs, Jewish History, Politics
Pro-Life?
A priest, a vicar and a rabbi are asked the question, “When does life begin?”
The priest says: “The moment of conception.”
The vicar replies: “The moment of birth.”
…
Read the whole shebang »
Filed under: Children, Family Life, Rabbis
I’m Fine, Thank You
One day, as Isaac Levy is driving home, a truck crashes into his car. He’s very lucky and suffers only moderate injuries. Nevertheless, he’s off work for two months. As a result, he contacts a Personal Injury lawyer who, after hearing the details, recommends that Isaac take the truck driver to court for dangerous driving. Isaac agrees.
A few weeks later, Isaac arrives in Court and soon he’s in the witness box answering questions thrown …
Read the whole shebang »
Filed under: Immigration
A True Professional
Mrs Lapidus achieved the nearly impossible feat of getting the landlord to paint the Lapidus’s apartment. Unfortunately, she neglected to tell her husband before be left the apartment that morning that the painters would be coming. That evening, when he went into the bedroom, took off his shoes, and put on his slippers, he put a grimy hand on the wall to steady himself, and left an ugly handprint.
Mrs. Lapidus berated him for his thoughtlessness and resolved …
Read the whole shebang »
Filed under: Jewish Blue-ish
A Bitter Tale
The winter of 1994 was tough on many of Europe’s root crops. A week before Passover the Jewish Community of Madrid found that the shipment of horseradish it had ordered from Bolivia would now not arrive until ten days after the Passover ended.
The community needed the horseradish for its traditional paschal ritual of Marror, but whomever they tried approaching from among the EU suppliers, they received the same reply “Sorry! No can do.” In desperation, …
Read the whole shebang »
Happy St. Patrick’s Day!
Standing on the Fifth Avenue sidewalk, two elderly Jewish women watch admiringly as the leading marchers in the parade approach. Wearing a broad green sash, the top-hatted Lord Mayor of Dublin is out in front as Grand Marshal, smiling and waving to the crowd.
“Isn’t it wonderful? Imagine! The St. Patrick’s Day parade,” the first woman exclaims, “and a Jewish boy is leading it.”
Her companion nods in agreement. “Yes, it could only happen in New …
Read the whole shebang »
Filed under: Holidays, Uncategorized
The French Way
When Mr. Ginsberg, a widower, retired he decided to treat himself to a trip to Paris, and booked passage on the French liner Liberte, famous for its opulence and its cuisine. On the first night he was seated by the Maitre d’ at a table facing another passenger traveling alone — a Frenchman who spoke no English. The Frenchman, already seated at the table, smiles at Mr. Ginsberg and says, “Bon appetit.”
Mr. Ginsberg, who speaks …
Read the whole shebang »
Filed under: Immigration, Uncategorized
Ah, Paris!
On her first trip to Paris, Mrs. Lapidus sees Mrs. Cohen, a friend from the Upper West Side, walking on the Champs Elysees. She rushes up to her, exclaiming effusively and without pausing, “Sadie, Sadie, I didn’t know you were going to be in Paris! Is Irving with you? Oh, isn’t this city marvelous? We’ve seen almost everything, but one thing bothers me. Would you believe that we’ve been here three days, and I haven’t …
Read the whole shebang »
Filed under: Immigration
Crackpot History
An ingenious example of speech and politics occurred recently in the United Nations Assembly and made the world community smile. A representative from Israel began:
‘Before beginning my talk I want to tell you something about Moses: When he struck the rock and it brought forth water, he thought, ‘What a good opportunity to have a bath!’
Moses removed his clothes, put them aside on the rock and entered the …
Read the whole shebang »
Miami Beach Aspirations
Mrs. Sam Lapidus from the Bronx is delighted to find that her sunbathing companion at Miami Beach each day is a bejeweled Mrs. Irving Goldstein from Great Neck on Long Island. Fascinated by Mrs. Goldstein, Mrs. Lapidus has studied her carefully for clues to her age. She cannot detect signs of a face lift. There is no evidence of graying roots in her carefully coiffed blonde tresses.
Finally, unhappy with her inability to find age-revealing clues, …
Read the whole shebang »
Filed under: Immigration, Jewish History
Pennies From Heaven
A man walked to the top of a hill to talk to God. The man asked, “God, what’s a million years to you?”
And God said, “a minute.”
Then the man asked, “Well, what’s a million dollars to you?”
…
Read the whole shebang »
Filed under: Uncategorized
A Fine Explanation
Yankele’s wife Feige came home early and found Yankele in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.
Feige was somewhat upset. ‘You are a disrespectful pig!’ she cried. ‘How dare you do this to me — a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a get right away!’
And Yankele replied, ‘Hang on just a minute Feige so at least I can tell you what happened.’
‘Fine, go ahead,’ she …
Read the whole shebang »
Filed under: Family Life, Jewish Blue-ish, Marriage