Jewish Jokes » Archive
The Informer
The Jews in a small Russian town found it necessary for their own safety to bribe the informer before any meetings were held, so he would not report their affairs to the Czarist authorities. One day such an important matter came up that the informer demanded three hundred rubles as his price for silence.
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Filed under: Jewish History, Rabbis, Russians
The Punctual Shammes
The shammes is boasting that he owns the most dependable watch on earth:
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Filed under: Synagogue Life
The Village Idiot
The Rabbi of Odessa was reproaching his chazzan. “You should be ashamed of yourself — a cantor, of all people!”
“Why, what did I do?” protested the surprised chazzan.
“Not you, your children. The way they run after the town lunatic and torment him is perfectly disgraceful. I want it stopped at once.”
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Filed under: Cantors, Congregants, Rabbis, Synagogue Life
A Visit to Santa
A Jewish six-year-old is reluctantly dragged off to see Santa at a department store, and pushed onto a line of eager children. Unlike the other children, Sammy sullenly refuses to sit on Santa’s lap.
“What would you like for Christmas this year?” asks the white-bearded old gentleman.
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Filed under: Chanukah, Children, Holidays, Non-Jewish
The Christian Scientist
For the past five years Sidney has been a practicing Christian Scientist.
One Sunday morning, as he is leaving the apartment to go to church, his non-Jewish wife seizes his arm. “What’s the matter with you?” she cries. “You’re wearing a yarmulka!”
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Filed under: Conversion, Non-Jewish, Traditions
At a Testimonial Dinner
At a banquet for a famous Zionist, a half-dozen speakers rise to eulogize the guest of honor, stressing his integrity, his honesty, his sense of duty, and his contributions to charity.
Puzzled, Mama turns to her husband and whispers,
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A World War II Story
Mama’s three sons are in the Army, her daughter is serving in the Navy as a WAVE, and her husband works in a munitions plant. So she decides that she too will do her part to defend freedom. She applies to the Chief Supervisor of Nurses at Montefiore Hospital as a first aid helper.
The supervisor asks,
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Filed under: Family Life, Mothers
Spot the Landsman
An old woman approached a blonde, blue-eyed man. “Excuse me, Mister,” she began tentatively, “but you’re a Jewish boy?”
He regarded her disdainfully for a moment and then replied, “No, madam, I’m not.”
Still uncertain, she repeated her question.
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Filed under: Family Life, Immigration
A Typical Town
A Jewish man had been shipwrecked alone on a desert island for thirty years. One day, a passing ship sees his fire burning. The captain comes ashore and is met by the man. After a polite exchange of introductions, the man asks the captain if he would like to tour the town! Of course, the surprised captain agrees, and they begin to stroll together through the town that the shipwrecked Jew has …
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Filed under: Congregants, Synagogue Life
Mexican Jews
This man is kicking back in Mexico. It’s a beautiful day, and he’s having lunch in a nice little cafe. Relaxed, he starts to think about home, family, and things Jewish. He suddenly realizes that he hadn’t seen any synagogues since he had gotten off the plane.
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Filed under: Uncategorized
Bless Me Father For I Have Sinned
“Bless Me Father for I Have Sinned,” said a young man.
“What have you done, my son?”
“Father, I have fooled a Jew.”
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Filed under: Non-Jewish
My Cousin the Cantor
A young man, just off the boat, arrives on the Lower East Side at the turn of the Twentieth Century. He is all alone and is looking for his only contact to the new world, his cousin, Cantor Rosensweig.
As he wanders, he approaches an elderly woman and says, “Tante, can you tell me where I might find Cantor Rosensweig?”
The woman replies, “You mean Cantor Beryl Rosensweig, who sings so off-key that his attempts at davening …
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Filed under: Cantors, Congregants, Immigration, Synagogue Life
The Gentle Messenger
Five Jewish old men are playing poker one night, when Meyerowitz loses $500 on a single hand, stands up, clutches his chest and drops dead on the floor.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.
Hirsh looks around and asks, “Now, who is going to tell the wife?”
They draw straws. Nordheim, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be …
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Filed under: Family Life, Marriage, Shlemiels & Shlimazels
The End of an Era
Sara Rosenbaum, age 102, visits her lawyer.
“Rosenberg! I want a divorce!”
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Filed under: Family Life, Marriage
Osama Bin Laden’s Valentine
Little David’s assimilated family sends him to a public school where they teach Christian holidays. One day, little David comes home from first grade and tells his father that the class is learning about Valentine’s Day. “Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?”
David’s father thinks a bit, trying to decide how best to introduce his son to the truth about Valentine’s Day. To buy some time, he asks, …
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Filed under: Politics