Jewish Jokes » Archive
David and Goliath: The Law of Tooth and Claw
The Israelis and Arabs realized that, if they continued fighting, they would someday end up destroying the whole world. So they decided to settle their dispute with an ancient practice: a duel of two, like David and Goliath. This “duel” would be a dog fight. The negotiators agreed each side would take five years to develop the best fighting dog they could. The dog that won the fight would earn its people the …
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The Price of a Mink
Little Shimmy came home from school one day and found his mother in a new mink coat.
“Wow, Mom. That poor animal must have suffered terribly just so you could have a fur coat.”
…
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Filed under: Children, Family Life, Fathers, Marriage, Mothers
The War Hero
A Jewish boy of the American Expeditionary Forces would steal out of his trench every night, during the hours of gloom and silence when the batteries paused in their spray of death and destruction, and return each time with ten or fifteen captives from the enemy camp.
This feat, repeated every night by the young hero, so impressed his superior officers that he was finally summoned to headquarters and commended for his heroism.
“You have never told …
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Filed under: Jewish History, Ritual, Synagogue Life
Domestic Bliss?
What was the first thing Eve did when Adam came home late one night?
…
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Filed under: Family Life, Marriage
A Miracle in Cracow
The well-known Rabbi Nathan was in the synagogue of Krakow when he suddenly screamed.
“Why did you howl like that?” asked his startled pupils.
“I couldn’t help it,” declared Rabbi Nathan. “Just a few moments ago the great Rabbi Solomon of Lemburg died.”
The entire congregation marveled at this demonstration of the rabbi’s miraculous telepathic powers and immediately went into mourning.
A few days later, a group of Lemburg Jews arrived in the city and contradicted Rabbi Nathan. “We …
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Filed under: Rabbis, Synagogue Life
The Stalled Elephant
Zimmerman, the big cloak-and-suiter, wanted to have the biggest Bar Mitzvah of all time for his son. So he mapped out a safari to Africa and chartered six jumbo jets for his guests, and another six planes for the hunting and camping equipment, food and drink.
Everyone piled on board and all the planes flew in formation to equatorial Africa. There, Zimmerman hired five hundred native pack-bearers and a dozen guides, cooks, and a master chef. …
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Filed under: Family Life, Fathers, Ritual, Synagogue Life, Traditions
The Rabbi’s New Hat
Only a week earlier, the popular rabbi had been given a new fur hat as a Chanukah present. Now someone had stolen it.
There was only one way to find out who had perpetrated this crime, so the rabbi sent for Louie, the town’s king of thieves.
“How about it, Louie? Do you think you can get my fur hat back?” asked the rabbi.
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Filed under: Chanukah, Congregants, Rabbis, Synagogue Life
A gorilla walked into a delicatessen…
A gorilla walked into Goldman’s delicatessen and ordered a pastrami sandwich on pumpernickel with a piece of pickle on the side — to go.
“That’ll be six dollars,” said Goldman, handing the ape the sandwich. “And I must say, I never expected to see a gorilla in my store!”
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Filed under: Kosher Food
The Belated Tailor
A wealthy merchant ordered a pair of new pants from the local tailor, with the stipulation that the work be finished within a week.
“Remember,” said the merchant, “I must leave town next week and I will be away for six weeks on an extended buying trip, and I want those trousers for the journey.”
But the tailor, an unreliable fellow, did not have the pants ready on time, and the merchant was compelled to leave without …
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Filed under: Shlemiels & Shlimazels
All in the Family
A shnorrer was soliciting from Baron Rothschild for a handout. Displeased with the amount he’d been given, the shnorrer complained, “Your son gave me twice as much.”
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Filed under: Charity, Jewish History, Traditions
R-E-S-P-E-C-T, Tell Me What it Means to Me
There were two carriage drivers of Poland who were in constant rivalry for passengers. One was Ivan and the other Mikhail. One day, as Ivan was driving from Warsaw, and the other was approaching Warsaw from the opposite direction, they met on the road, several miles from the city.
When they recognized each other, they drew up their horses and exchanged chilly greetings.
“I see, Mikhail, that you have that crook, Yussel the Jew, as a passenger,” …
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Filed under: Jewish History, Non-Jewish
Land of Opportunity
Once upon a time there lived a man whose name was Saul the Dreamer. Saul was a man of roving and adventurous disposition, always ready to travel and explore. One day, an itinerant maggid told him about a far-away country where onions were unknown.
“No onions!” mused the Dreamer. “Now what kind of pleasure can they derive from their food without onions? I’ll go there and introduce this delicious vegetable.”
Without any further delay he …
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Filed under: Shlemiels & Shlimazels