There were two carriage drivers of Poland who were in constant rivalry for passengers. One was Ivan and the other Mikhail. One day, as Ivan was driving from Warsaw, and the other was approaching Warsaw from the opposite direction, they met on the road, several miles from the city.
When they recognized each other, they drew up their horses and exchanged chilly greetings.
“I see, Mikhail, that you have that crook, Yussel the Jew, as a passenger,” Ivan called, his voice dripping with sarcasm.
“What do you mean, ‘crook’!” Mikhail shouted back. “My Jew is ten times more honest than that Jewish money-lender you have as your own passenger.”
“Now hold on there!” Ivan roared. “You can’t insult my Jew like that and get away with it.”
“I’ll insult him all I like! My Jew is better than your Jew, and I’m warning you, pig, one more word out of you and I’ll punch your Jew in the nose.”
“Oh yeah! Well you just try it and see what happens!”
Good as his word, Mikhail climbed down from his wagon, crossed over to Ivan’s cart and let fly a stinging blow to the Jewish passenger’s nose.
When Ivan saw that his passenger’s nose was bleeding profusely, he was beside himself with rage.
“Son of a horse-fly,” he yelled. “How dare you bloody my Jew’s nose? If you think I’m going to let you get away with that you are sadly mistaken!” With that, he ran over to Mikhail’s wagon and hit his passenger in the eye with all his might. “You hit my Jew, I hit your Jew,” he shrilled angrily.
Mikhail was now almost hysterical in his fury. “I swear by the Czar and with God as my witness, you provoked me into this. Remember, I warned you!” And with that, he fell upon Ivan’s passenger and pummeled him unmercifully.
“Don’t worry,” Mikhail called to his nearly unconscious passenger, “I’ll take care of that dirty dog. Believe me, I’ll give him something to remember me by for the rest of his life!” So saying, he grabbed Ivan’s passenger bythe throat and almost choked him to death, meanwhile pounding his head against a rock.
Then, glaring at each other out of hate-filled eyes, Ivan and Mikhail mounted their respective coaches and drove on their way.
“That will teach Ivan a little respect for the Jews,” muttered Mikhail to himself.
“That will teach Mikhail a little respect for the Jews muttered Ivan to himself.
Excerpted from “The Encyclopedia of Jewish Humor” by Henry D. Spaulding.
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Filed under: Jewish History, Non-Jewish
Tags: Czarist Russia, Poland
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