Fat Doctor
Dr. Simon is doing his rounds at the Minsky Retirement Home when he comes to ninety year old Hetty. As soon as she sees him, she says, “My, you are sure looking very handsome today, doctor.”
“Thank you Hetty,” says doctor Simon. “It’s very nice of you to say that.”
“Ha,” says Hetty, “I can see from your face that you don’t believe me. But I’m really sincere, doctor. I always tell the truth.”
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Filed under: Grandparents, Shlemiels & Shlimazels
A Shopping Spree
Rachel decides to do some shopping and manages to persuade her husband Howard to join her at the shopping center. After two hours of looking around one women’s clothes shop after another, Rachel suddenly realizes that Howard is no longer with her. So she calls him on his mobile phone to see what’s what.
“So where are you?” she angrily asks Howard. “I thought we were shopping together.”
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Filed under: Family Life, Marriage
The Materialistic Cyclist
A man was riding along a Florida beach on his Goldwing when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God called out, “Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.”
The biker pulled over and said, “Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.”
God replied, “Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that …
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Filed under: Family Life, Marriage
Henny Youngman, Eat Your Heart Out
Last night my wife and I had words,
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Filed under: Family Life, Marriage
Matchmaker, Matchmaker…
At the morning minyan, Rabbi Weinstock couldn’t help noticing twenty-something year-old Benny sitting at the back of the shul, looking very sad. After the service, Rabbi Weinstock goes to him. “What’s wrong, Benny? Tell me. Maybe I can help.”
“Oh, Rabbi,” replies Benny, “I just don’t know what to do. Whenever I bring a new girlfriend to my house and introduce her to my parents… no matter how wonderful the girl is, my mother always tells …
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Filed under: Children, Family Life, Fathers, Marriage, Mothers
Hot New Chanukah Present
This year’s best new Chanukah present for girls:
It’s a Jewish Mother Doll.
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From Generation to Generation
A sixty year old man went to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, “You’re in terrific shape. There`s nothing wrong with you. You have the body of a thirty-five year old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?”
The sixty year old responded, “Who said he was dead?”
The doctor was surprised and asked, “How old is he, and is he very active?”
The sixty year old responded, “Well, he is …
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Filed under: Family Life, Grandparents, Marriage, Mothers
With Friends Like This…
Moshe meets his friend Sidney in Brent Cross shopping center.
“What’s the matter Sidney?” asks Moshe, “you’re looking a bit agitated.”
“It’s probably because I’ve just learned that my wife Talia has run off with my best friend,” replies Sidney.
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Filed under: Marriage
Starting Off on the Wrong Foot
One Sunday, two separate wedding ceremonies take place in Bushey shul. First of all, Mervyn gets married to Lisa from Golders Green. Then later in the afternoon, Aaron gets married to Hannah from Israel.
So, you might ask, did both their marriages start on a positive note?
Well, on his first day of married life, Mervyn says to Lisa, “You’ll always have to do all the house cleaning, all the cooking, and all the washing and drying up of crockery on your own. That’s what my mother always did, and that’s what I will expect you to do from now onwards. And I’ll try to help you whenever I can.”
On his second day of married life, Mervyn doesn’t notice anything different; but on his third day, Mervyn is pleased to see that …
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Filed under: Family Life, Marriage, Weddings
The Price of a Mink
Little Shimmy came home from school one day and found his mother in a new mink coat.
“Wow, Mom. That poor animal must have suffered terribly just so you could have a fur coat.”
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Filed under: Children, Family Life, Fathers, Marriage, Mothers
Domestic Bliss?
What was the first thing Eve did when Adam came home late one night?
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Filed under: Family Life, Marriage
The Stalled Elephant
Zimmerman, the big cloak-and-suiter, wanted to have the biggest Bar Mitzvah of all time for his son. So he mapped out a safari to Africa and chartered six jumbo jets for his guests, and another six planes for the hunting and camping equipment, food and drink.
Everyone piled on board and all the planes flew in formation to equatorial Africa. There, Zimmerman hired five hundred native pack-bearers and a dozen guides, cooks, and a master chef. …
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Filed under: Family Life, Fathers, Ritual, Synagogue Life, Traditions
A Visit to Santa
A Jewish six-year-old is reluctantly dragged off to see Santa at a department store, and pushed onto a line of eager children. Unlike the other children, Sammy sullenly refuses to sit on Santa’s lap.
“What would you like for Christmas this year?” asks the white-bearded old gentleman.
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Filed under: Chanukah, Children, Holidays, Non-Jewish
At a Testimonial Dinner
At a banquet for a famous Zionist, a half-dozen speakers rise to eulogize the guest of honor, stressing his integrity, his honesty, his sense of duty, and his contributions to charity.
Puzzled, Mama turns to her husband and whispers,
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A World War II Story
Mama’s three sons are in the Army, her daughter is serving in the Navy as a WAVE, and her husband works in a munitions plant. So she decides that she too will do her part to defend freedom. She applies to the Chief Supervisor of Nurses at Montefiore Hospital as a first aid helper.
The supervisor asks,
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Filed under: Family Life, Mothers