Hot New Chanukah Present
This year’s best new Chanukah present for girls:
It’s a Jewish Mother Doll.
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A Yom Kippur Dilemma
Mr. Goldberg calls his Rabbi and says, “Rabbi, I have a problem and I need your advice. This year my beloved Yankees are playing a playoff that starts on the night of Kol Nidre. You know I’m a super fan, so you can imagine how torn up I am. What should I do?”
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Filed under: Holidays, Rabbis, Synagogue Life, Yom Kippur
The Rabbi’s New Hat
Only a week earlier, the popular rabbi had been given a new fur hat as a Chanukah present. Now someone had stolen it.
There was only one way to find out who had perpetrated this crime, so the rabbi sent for Louie, the town’s king of thieves.
“How about it, Louie? Do you think you can get my fur hat back?” asked the rabbi.
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Filed under: Chanukah, Congregants, Rabbis, Synagogue Life
A Visit to Santa
A Jewish six-year-old is reluctantly dragged off to see Santa at a department store, and pushed onto a line of eager children. Unlike the other children, Sammy sullenly refuses to sit on Santa’s lap.
“What would you like for Christmas this year?” asks the white-bearded old gentleman.
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Filed under: Chanukah, Children, Holidays, Non-Jewish
A Non-Traditional Yom Kippur Tradition
A non-member wanted to get into his town’s “temple” on Yom Kippur, but without a ticket they wouldn’t let him in. He said, “Look, I just want to give a message to a friend in there.”
But the usher at the door insists, “Sorry, you’ve got to have a ticket.”
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Filed under: Congregants, Holidays, Synagogue Life, Yom Kippur
A Bitter Tale
The winter of 1994 was tough on many of Europe’s root crops. A week before Passover the Jewish Community of Madrid found that the shipment of horseradish it had ordered from Bolivia would now not arrive until ten days after the Passover ended.
The community needed the horseradish for its traditional paschal ritual of Marror, but whomever they tried approaching from among the EU suppliers, they received the same reply “Sorry! No can do.” In desperation, …
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Happy St. Patrick’s Day!
Standing on the Fifth Avenue sidewalk, two elderly Jewish women watch admiringly as the leading marchers in the parade approach. Wearing a broad green sash, the top-hatted Lord Mayor of Dublin is out in front as Grand Marshal, smiling and waving to the crowd.
“Isn’t it wonderful? Imagine! The St. Patrick’s Day parade,” the first woman exclaims, “and a Jewish boy is leading it.”
Her companion nods in agreement. “Yes, it could only happen in New …
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Filed under: Holidays, Uncategorized
My Jewish PC
If I had a Jewish PC,
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Filed under: Shabbat, Traditions
A Knight Errant
A British Jew is waiting in line to be knighted by the Queen. He is to kneel in front of her and recite a sentence in Latin when she taps him on the shoulders with her sword. However, when his turn comes, he panics in the excitement of the moment and forgets the Latin.
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Aeronautical Engineering 101
Bernie, a young Jewish boy, decided he wanted to be an aeronautical engineer and build airplanes. Over the years he studied hard, went to the best schools, and finally got his degree. It didn’t take long before he gained a reputation as the finest aeronautical engineer in all the land, so he decided to start his own company to build jets.
His company was such a hit that the President of the United States called Bernie …
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The Penitent
Moshe goes to see his Rabbi. “Rabbi, last week I missed saying Birkhat HaMazon.”
“Why?” asked the Rabbi.
“Because I forgot to wash my hands before the meal.”
“That’s twice you’ve broken the law, but you still haven’t told me why.”
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Filed under: Congregants, Kosher Food, Yom Kippur
The Big Game
Gottlieb called his rabbi and said, “I know tonight is Kol Nidre, but tonight is the European Cup Final, and my team is playing. I’ve got to watch the game on TV.”
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Filed under: Congregants, Holidays, Rabbis, Synagogue Life, Yom Kippur
Top Ten Reasons to Celebrate Passover
Top Ten Reasons to Celebrate Passover
10. Save money by using last year’s Matzah (it won’t taste any
different and you haven’t thought of eating it since then)
9. Elbows on the table
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Filed under: Holidays, Passover, Traditions
Yizkor Riddle
Why do we say Yizkor on the last day of Passover? What’s the connection?
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Filed under: Holidays, Passover, Ritual, Synagogue Life
A Good Sermon
How is a good sermon like a piece of matzah?
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Filed under: Congregants, Holidays, Passover, Rabbis, Synagogue Life