An Apple a Day
A very attractive and sparsely dressed woman gets on the 8 AM bus going to Jerusalem. It’s a popular bus with haredim, and it’s almost full when she gets on. She looks around for a seat and can only find one next to Elimelech, a black-hat yeshiva bochur. So she walks over to the seat and sits down.
Her short dress embarrasses Elimelech so much that he begins to squirm. Then, five minutes into her …
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Long Live Esperanto!
In the 1920′s, an Esperanto convention was held in Brazil. Learned scholars from every part of the globe participated — Esperantists from England, France, Spain, Germany, Italy, Russia, the United States, Mexico, Canada, South Africa — you name it, it was represented there.
Presentation after presentation extolled the value of Esperanto, explaining how sharing a common language would lead to world peace, universal understanding, and a utopian future.
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Filed under: Jewish History, Politics
David and Goliath: The Law of Tooth and Claw
The Israelis and Arabs realized that, if they continued fighting, they would someday end up destroying the whole world. So they decided to settle their dispute with an ancient practice: a duel of two, like David and Goliath. This “duel” would be a dog fight. The negotiators agreed each side would take five years to develop the best fighting dog they could. The dog that won the fight would earn its people the …
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The Informer
The Jews in a small Russian town found it necessary for their own safety to bribe the informer before any meetings were held, so he would not report their affairs to the Czarist authorities. One day such an important matter came up that the informer demanded three hundred rubles as his price for silence.
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Filed under: Jewish History, Rabbis, Russians
At a Testimonial Dinner
At a banquet for a famous Zionist, a half-dozen speakers rise to eulogize the guest of honor, stressing his integrity, his honesty, his sense of duty, and his contributions to charity.
Puzzled, Mama turns to her husband and whispers,
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Osama Bin Laden’s Valentine
Little David’s assimilated family sends him to a public school where they teach Christian holidays. One day, little David comes home from first grade and tells his father that the class is learning about Valentine’s Day. “Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?”
David’s father thinks a bit, trying to decide how best to introduce his son to the truth about Valentine’s Day. To buy some time, he asks, …
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Filed under: Politics
Last Wishes of the Soon-to-be Headless
Dan Rather, Katie Couric, and an Israeli commando were captured by terrorists in Iraq. The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.
Dan Rather said, “Well, I’m a Texan, so I’d like one last bowlful of hot spicy chili.”
The leader nodded to an underling, who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, “Now I can die content.”
Katie Couric said, …
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Filed under: Anti-Semitism, Arabs, Israel, Politics
This Site Under Construction
Dear Egypt,
If you destroy the pyramids we will not rebuild.
Sincerely,
The Jews
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Filed under: Arabs, Jewish History, Politics
Crackpot History
An ingenious example of speech and politics occurred recently in the United Nations Assembly and made the world community smile. A representative from Israel began:
‘Before beginning my talk I want to tell you something about Moses: When he struck the rock and it brought forth water, he thought, ‘What a good opportunity to have a bath!’
Moses removed his clothes, put them aside on the rock and entered the …
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Ahmadinejad’s Wish Come True
A Canadian, an Iranian, and an Israeli find an old lamp in the desert. A genie floats out and offers to grant three wishes, one for each of them.
The Canadian says, “In my my family we have always been farmers. I want my land to be very fruitful.”
The genie grants his wish.
The Iraqi says,
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High Tech Comes to Israel First
Digging to a depth of one thousand meters last year, French scientists found traces of copper wire dating back one thousand years. The French came to the conclusion that their ancestors had a telephone network centuries ago.
Not to be outdone by the French, English scientists dug to a depth of two thousand meters. Shortly thereafter, headlines in the UK newspapers read, “English archaeologists have found traces of a two-thousand-year-old fiber-optic cable, and have …
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Filed under: Israel
Presidential Dreams
Mahmoud Ahmedinijad, Iran’s President, called George W. Bush on the phone late one night.
I’ve had a remarkable dream, Mr. Bush”, he said, “and it’s something you should know about.”
“Well Mr. Mindinajar, what was your dream all about?”, queried the President.
“I dreamed that the USA had gone through an enlightening reformation”, he said, “and in front of every house was a huge banner.”
“That’s intriguing, Mr. Dimjimnadar. Tell me, what did it say on these banners?”
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Cultural Differences
The Italian says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have wine.”
The Frenchman says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have cognac.”
The Russian says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have vodka.”
The German says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have beer.”
The Mexican says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have tequila.”
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Filed under: Russians, Shlemiels & Shlimazels
In Paradise
A Brit, a Frenchman, and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in The Garden of Eden.
“Look at their reserve, their calm,” muses the Brit. “They must be British.”
“Nonsense,” the Frenchman disagrees. “They’re naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French.”
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Filed under: Anti-Semitism, Politics, Russians
Smart Jews
In an all-Jewish school, a Russian man decides to disrupt a math class.
He storms in and cries, “You Jews think you’re so smart, try and answer this! There are seven trains going all around the country with sixteen cars on each train. There are thirty-three people on each car. How old am I?”
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Filed under: Anti-Semitism, Russians