An Apple a Day
A very attractive and sparsely dressed woman gets on the 8 AM bus going to Jerusalem. It’s a popular bus with haredim, and it’s almost full when she gets on. She looks around for a seat and can only find one next to Elimelech, a black-hat yeshiva bochur. So she walks over to the seat and sits down.
Her short dress embarrasses Elimelech so much that he begins to squirm. Then, five minutes into her …
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David and Goliath: The Law of Tooth and Claw
The Israelis and Arabs realized that, if they continued fighting, they would someday end up destroying the whole world. So they decided to settle their dispute with an ancient practice: a duel of two, like David and Goliath. This “duel” would be a dog fight. The negotiators agreed each side would take five years to develop the best fighting dog they could. The dog that won the fight would earn its people the …
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At a Testimonial Dinner
At a banquet for a famous Zionist, a half-dozen speakers rise to eulogize the guest of honor, stressing his integrity, his honesty, his sense of duty, and his contributions to charity.
Puzzled, Mama turns to her husband and whispers,
…
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Last Wishes of the Soon-to-be Headless
Dan Rather, Katie Couric, and an Israeli commando were captured by terrorists in Iraq. The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.
Dan Rather said, “Well, I’m a Texan, so I’d like one last bowlful of hot spicy chili.”
The leader nodded to an underling, who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, “Now I can die content.”
Katie Couric said, …
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Filed under: Anti-Semitism, Arabs, Israel, Politics
Crackpot History
An ingenious example of speech and politics occurred recently in the United Nations Assembly and made the world community smile. A representative from Israel began:
‘Before beginning my talk I want to tell you something about Moses: When he struck the rock and it brought forth water, he thought, ‘What a good opportunity to have a bath!’
Moses removed his clothes, put them aside on the rock and entered the …
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Ahmadinejad’s Wish Come True
A Canadian, an Iranian, and an Israeli find an old lamp in the desert. A genie floats out and offers to grant three wishes, one for each of them.
The Canadian says, “In my my family we have always been farmers. I want my land to be very fruitful.”
The genie grants his wish.
The Iraqi says,
…
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High Tech Comes to Israel First
Digging to a depth of one thousand meters last year, French scientists found traces of copper wire dating back one thousand years. The French came to the conclusion that their ancestors had a telephone network centuries ago.
Not to be outdone by the French, English scientists dug to a depth of two thousand meters. Shortly thereafter, headlines in the UK newspapers read, “English archaeologists have found traces of a two-thousand-year-old fiber-optic cable, and have …
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Filed under: Israel
Presidential Dreams
Mahmoud Ahmedinijad, Iran’s President, called George W. Bush on the phone late one night.
I’ve had a remarkable dream, Mr. Bush”, he said, “and it’s something you should know about.”
“Well Mr. Mindinajar, what was your dream all about?”, queried the President.
“I dreamed that the USA had gone through an enlightening reformation”, he said, “and in front of every house was a huge banner.”
“That’s intriguing, Mr. Dimjimnadar. Tell me, what did it say on these banners?”
…
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Aeronautical Engineering 101
Bernie, a young Jewish boy, decided he wanted to be an aeronautical engineer and build airplanes. Over the years he studied hard, went to the best schools, and finally got his degree. It didn’t take long before he gained a reputation as the finest aeronautical engineer in all the land, so he decided to start his own company to build jets.
His company was such a hit that the President of the United States called Bernie …
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Russian Military Tactical Planning
The commanding officer at the Russian military academy (the equivalent of a 4-star general in the U.S.) gave a lecture on “Potential Problems and Military Strategy.” At the end of the lecture, he asked if there were any questions.
An officer stood up and asked, “Will there be a third world war? And will Russia take part in it?”
The general answered both questions in the affirmative.
Another officer asked, “Who will be the enemy?”
The general replied, …
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A Papal Visit
A leading Israeli Rabbi had a meeting with the Pope. While negotiating a papal visit to The Holy Land, the Rabbi noticed a distinctive red phone on the Pope’s desk.
The Rabbi asked what the phone was for. The Pope explained that it’s a direct line to God.
The Rabbi asked if he could test it, and the pope replied, “Of course, but you should leave one-hundred dollars for the call.” The Rabbi thanked him and used …
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Filed under: Israel
Up Where You Belong
It was mealtime during a flight on El-Al. “Would you like dinner?” the flight attendant asked Moshe, seated in front.
…
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Filed under: Israel