Jewish Jokes » Shlemiels & Shlimazels
Fat Doctor
Dr. Simon is doing his rounds at the Minsky Retirement Home when he comes to ninety year old Hetty. As soon as she sees him, she says, “My, you are sure looking very handsome today, doctor.”
“Thank you Hetty,” says doctor Simon. “It’s very nice of you to say that.”
“Ha,” says Hetty, “I can see from your face that you don’t believe me. But I’m really sincere, doctor. I always tell the truth.”
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Filed under: Grandparents, Shlemiels & Shlimazels
The Price of a Blindfold
Two Jews are being tied to posts, about to be shot by a firing squad.
The first one asks for a blindfold.
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Filed under: Anti-Semitism, Non-Jewish, Shlemiels & Shlimazels
The Belated Tailor
A wealthy merchant ordered a pair of new pants from the local tailor, with the stipulation that the work be finished within a week.
“Remember,” said the merchant, “I must leave town next week and I will be away for six weeks on an extended buying trip, and I want those trousers for the journey.”
But the tailor, an unreliable fellow, did not have the pants ready on time, and the merchant was compelled to leave without …
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Filed under: Shlemiels & Shlimazels
Land of Opportunity
Once upon a time there lived a man whose name was Saul the Dreamer. Saul was a man of roving and adventurous disposition, always ready to travel and explore. One day, an itinerant maggid told him about a far-away country where onions were unknown.
“No onions!” mused the Dreamer. “Now what kind of pleasure can they derive from their food without onions? I’ll go there and introduce this delicious vegetable.”
Without any further delay he …
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Filed under: Shlemiels & Shlimazels
The Gentle Messenger
Five Jewish old men are playing poker one night, when Meyerowitz loses $500 on a single hand, stands up, clutches his chest and drops dead on the floor.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.
Hirsh looks around and asks, “Now, who is going to tell the wife?”
They draw straws. Nordheim, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be …
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Filed under: Family Life, Marriage, Shlemiels & Shlimazels
Cultural Differences
The Italian says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have wine.”
The Frenchman says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have cognac.”
The Russian says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have vodka.”
The German says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have beer.”
The Mexican says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have tequila.”
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Filed under: Russians, Shlemiels & Shlimazels
The Disloyal Customer
A single young man, having no family, often ate at a restaurant in the center of the city of Chelm. He knew the owner, Moishe, and he ate there regularly. The only other restaurant in Chelm, Chaim’s, was located directly across the street from Moishe’s.
One day, the young man went to eat at Chaim’s; and when Moishe saw what had happened, he was totally distraught. He said, “How can you not eat at my …
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Filed under: Shlemiels & Shlimazels
A Bridge to Nowhere
In the village of Chelm, Yankele is walking along the river.
While he’s looking around, he notices Moishie walking along the other side of the river.
He yells to Moishie, “Hey, how do I get to the other side?”
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Filed under: Shlemiels & Shlimazels
Big Business
Two Sages of Chelm, Chaim and Shmuel, buy in the city a jug of shnapps and decide to sell it exclusively for cash.
On the road, going home, Shmuel gets thirsty and says: “I wouldn’t mind to make a little l’chaim. I’ll pay of course, here is a nickel.”
Chaim agrees and takes the nickel.
A little while later, Chaim also is thirsty. He pays a nickel and drinks.
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Filed under: Shlemiels & Shlimazels
Don’t Worry. Be Happy.
The citizens of Chelm decided that it was inefficient for them all to be doing their own worrying.
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Filed under: Shlemiels & Shlimazels
Lunch Time on the Roof
There once were three construction workers: one Scottish, one Irish, and one Jewish. They were working on the top of a building.
The Scottish man pulls out his lunch and says, “TUNA! I hate TUNA! If my wife gives me tuna tomorrow, I will jump off this building!”
The Irish man says, “EGG! I hate EGG! If my wife gives me egg tomorrow, I will jump off this building!”
The Jewish man says,
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Filed under: Kosher Food, Marriage, Shlemiels & Shlimazels
No Cookies
Schmulik from Chelm visited another town. A local man asked him: “How many cookies can you eat on an empty stomach?”
Schmulik replied, “Oh, about five…”
The local guy replied, “No, you’re wrong! You can only eat one. After that, your stomach’s not empty any more!”
Schmulik returned to Chelm and asked Moysheh, “How many cookies can you eat on an empty stomach?”
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Filed under: Shlemiels & Shlimazels
The Unfinished Sermon
A young rabbi gets onto a streetcar and sits down next to an old man. The Rabbi pulls out his papers to work on this week’s sermon.
Just as he is about to begin, the old man says, “Oy am I thoisty! Thoisty thoisty thoisty!”
The rabbi tries to ignore the old man, but the man continues, “Vat I vudn’t give for a cup of vahter!”
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Filed under: Shlemiels & Shlimazels
Twenty Sad Stories
Reuven, Shimon, and Levi went touring in New York City on vacation. They stayed on the sixtieth floor of a large apartment building. Before they went out touring, Reuven gave the key to their room to Levi to hold, saying that he may lose it. Levi also feared losing it, so he gave it to the attendant of the building to hold for them.
One night, upon arriving home very late, the attendant …
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Filed under: Shlemiels & Shlimazels