A Date With Justice
Louis and Hymie are arguing strongly about a consignment of dried Israeli dates that Hymie has recently bought from Louis.
“Just look at them,” says Hymie. “Any shmuck can see that they are not fresh enough for me to sell in my shop. I want my money back. And if I don’t get it, I’ll have to find another distributor.”
But Louis disagrees with him. “There is nothing at all wrong with these dates,” he says, …
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Filed under: Rabbis
Three Kopeks
Two souls met midway between heaven and earth. One was descending to be clothed in a body, and the other was ascending after a lifetime of service within the world.
“What is it like down there?” inquired the descending soul.
“Well, for three kopeks one can purchase the strands to be tied into tzitzis,” replied the ascending soul.
The descending soul eagerly hastened its descent. “Tzitzis for only three kopeks!” the soul echoed in amazement.
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Filed under: Featured, Synagogue Life, Traditions
A Yom Kippur Dilemma
Mr. Goldberg calls his Rabbi and says, “Rabbi, I have a problem and I need your advice. This year my beloved Yankees are playing a playoff that starts on the night of Kol Nidre. You know I’m a super fan, so you can imagine how torn up I am. What should I do?”
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Filed under: Holidays, Rabbis, Synagogue Life, Yom Kippur
The War Hero
A Jewish boy of the American Expeditionary Forces would steal out of his trench every night, during the hours of gloom and silence when the batteries paused in their spray of death and destruction, and return each time with ten or fifteen captives from the enemy camp.
This feat, repeated every night by the young hero, so impressed his superior officers that he was finally summoned to headquarters and commended for his heroism.
“You have never told …
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Filed under: Jewish History, Ritual, Synagogue Life
A Miracle in Cracow
The well-known Rabbi Nathan was in the synagogue of Krakow when he suddenly screamed.
“Why did you howl like that?” asked his startled pupils.
“I couldn’t help it,” declared Rabbi Nathan. “Just a few moments ago the great Rabbi Solomon of Lemburg died.”
The entire congregation marveled at this demonstration of the rabbi’s miraculous telepathic powers and immediately went into mourning.
A few days later, a group of Lemburg Jews arrived in the city and contradicted Rabbi Nathan. “We …
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Filed under: Rabbis, Synagogue Life
The Stalled Elephant
Zimmerman, the big cloak-and-suiter, wanted to have the biggest Bar Mitzvah of all time for his son. So he mapped out a safari to Africa and chartered six jumbo jets for his guests, and another six planes for the hunting and camping equipment, food and drink.
Everyone piled on board and all the planes flew in formation to equatorial Africa. There, Zimmerman hired five hundred native pack-bearers and a dozen guides, cooks, and a master chef. …
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Filed under: Family Life, Fathers, Ritual, Synagogue Life, Traditions
The Rabbi’s New Hat
Only a week earlier, the popular rabbi had been given a new fur hat as a Chanukah present. Now someone had stolen it.
There was only one way to find out who had perpetrated this crime, so the rabbi sent for Louie, the town’s king of thieves.
“How about it, Louie? Do you think you can get my fur hat back?” asked the rabbi.
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Filed under: Chanukah, Congregants, Rabbis, Synagogue Life
The Informer
The Jews in a small Russian town found it necessary for their own safety to bribe the informer before any meetings were held, so he would not report their affairs to the Czarist authorities. One day such an important matter came up that the informer demanded three hundred rubles as his price for silence.
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Filed under: Jewish History, Rabbis, Russians
The Punctual Shammes
The shammes is boasting that he owns the most dependable watch on earth:
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Filed under: Synagogue Life
The Village Idiot
The Rabbi of Odessa was reproaching his chazzan. “You should be ashamed of yourself — a cantor, of all people!”
“Why, what did I do?” protested the surprised chazzan.
“Not you, your children. The way they run after the town lunatic and torment him is perfectly disgraceful. I want it stopped at once.”
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Filed under: Cantors, Congregants, Rabbis, Synagogue Life
A Typical Town
A Jewish man had been shipwrecked alone on a desert island for thirty years. One day, a passing ship sees his fire burning. The captain comes ashore and is met by the man. After a polite exchange of introductions, the man asks the captain if he would like to tour the town! Of course, the surprised captain agrees, and they begin to stroll together through the town that the shipwrecked Jew has …
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Filed under: Congregants, Synagogue Life
My Cousin the Cantor
A young man, just off the boat, arrives on the Lower East Side at the turn of the Twentieth Century. He is all alone and is looking for his only contact to the new world, his cousin, Cantor Rosensweig.
As he wanders, he approaches an elderly woman and says, “Tante, can you tell me where I might find Cantor Rosensweig?”
The woman replies, “You mean Cantor Beryl Rosensweig, who sings so off-key that his attempts at davening …
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Filed under: Cantors, Congregants, Immigration, Synagogue Life
A Non-Traditional Yom Kippur Tradition
A non-member wanted to get into his town’s “temple” on Yom Kippur, but without a ticket they wouldn’t let him in. He said, “Look, I just want to give a message to a friend in there.”
But the usher at the door insists, “Sorry, you’ve got to have a ticket.”
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Filed under: Congregants, Holidays, Synagogue Life, Yom Kippur
Pro-Life?
A priest, a vicar and a rabbi are asked the question, “When does life begin?”
The priest says: “The moment of conception.”
The vicar replies: “The moment of birth.”
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Filed under: Children, Family Life, Rabbis