The Rabbi’s New Hat
Only a week earlier, the popular rabbi had been given a new fur hat as a Chanukah present. Now someone had stolen it.
There was only one way to find out who had perpetrated this crime, so the rabbi sent for Louie, the town’s king of thieves.
“How about it, Louie? Do you think you can get my fur hat back?” asked the rabbi.
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Filed under: Chanukah, Congregants, Rabbis, Synagogue Life
The Village Idiot
The Rabbi of Odessa was reproaching his chazzan. “You should be ashamed of yourself — a cantor, of all people!”
“Why, what did I do?” protested the surprised chazzan.
“Not you, your children. The way they run after the town lunatic and torment him is perfectly disgraceful. I want it stopped at once.”
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Filed under: Cantors, Congregants, Rabbis, Synagogue Life
A Typical Town
A Jewish man had been shipwrecked alone on a desert island for thirty years. One day, a passing ship sees his fire burning. The captain comes ashore and is met by the man. After a polite exchange of introductions, the man asks the captain if he would like to tour the town! Of course, the surprised captain agrees, and they begin to stroll together through the town that the shipwrecked Jew has …
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Filed under: Congregants, Synagogue Life
My Cousin the Cantor
A young man, just off the boat, arrives on the Lower East Side at the turn of the Twentieth Century. He is all alone and is looking for his only contact to the new world, his cousin, Cantor Rosensweig.
As he wanders, he approaches an elderly woman and says, “Tante, can you tell me where I might find Cantor Rosensweig?”
The woman replies, “You mean Cantor Beryl Rosensweig, who sings so off-key that his attempts at davening …
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Filed under: Cantors, Congregants, Immigration, Synagogue Life
A Non-Traditional Yom Kippur Tradition
A non-member wanted to get into his town’s “temple” on Yom Kippur, but without a ticket they wouldn’t let him in. He said, “Look, I just want to give a message to a friend in there.”
But the usher at the door insists, “Sorry, you’ve got to have a ticket.”
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Filed under: Congregants, Holidays, Synagogue Life, Yom Kippur
How to Fit in at Shul…NOT!
“Hey, my book’s misprinted back to front!”
“Isn’t it impolite to talk when the Rabbi is talking?”
“Who brings kids to a place like this?”
“Why do people keep coming in even after the service begins? Don’t they know what time it starts?”
“You’d think nobody had ever seen a cell phone.”
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Filed under: Congregants, Rabbis, Ritual, Synagogue Life
Sammy’s Good News
Sam was ready to tee off this gorgeous Sunday morning. He looked up to the sky and said, “Please God, tell me there’s a golf course in Heaven.”
The skies opened up and a deep voice proclaimed, “Sam, I have some good news and some bad news.”
“So, what’s the good news?”, asked Sammy.
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Filed under: Congregants
The Penitent
Moshe goes to see his Rabbi. “Rabbi, last week I missed saying Birkhat HaMazon.”
“Why?” asked the Rabbi.
“Because I forgot to wash my hands before the meal.”
“That’s twice you’ve broken the law, but you still haven’t told me why.”
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Filed under: Congregants, Kosher Food, Yom Kippur
The Big Game
Gottlieb called his rabbi and said, “I know tonight is Kol Nidre, but tonight is the European Cup Final, and my team is playing. I’ve got to watch the game on TV.”
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Filed under: Congregants, Holidays, Rabbis, Synagogue Life, Yom Kippur
Keeping Kosher
A rabbi walking home from the synagogue saw one of his good friends, a pious and learned man who could usually beat the rabbi in religious arguments.
The rabbi walked faster to catch up to his friend, but was horrified to see his friend go into a Chinese restaurant. (Not a kosher one.)
Standing at the door, he observed his friend talking to a waiter and gesturing at a menu. A short time later, the waiter reappeared
carrying …
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Filed under: Congregants, Kosher Food, Rabbis, Traditions
The Army of Hashem
Jack was coming out of shul; the Rabbi was standing at the door, as he always did, to shake hands.
The Rabbi grabbed Jack by the hand and pulled him aside. The rabbi said to him, “You need to join the Army of HaShem!”
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Filed under: Congregants, Rabbis, Synagogue Life
A Good Sermon
How is a good sermon like a piece of matzah?
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Filed under: Congregants, Holidays, Passover, Rabbis, Synagogue Life
Can You Top This?
“I know a synagogue so liberal, they have a microphone on Shabbos!”
“That’s nothing! I know a synagogue so liberal, they have ashtrays by the seats!”
“That’s still nothing! I know synagogue where they help congregants make it through the long Yom Kippur services by handing out food… ham sandwiches!”
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Filed under: Congregants, Kosher Food, Ritual, Synagogue Life, Yom Kippur
Pest Control
Three rabbis are standing around schmoozing. One of them says, “We’ve got a terrible problem with a squirrel in the the synagogue. Traps; nuts; nothing works.”
The second rabbi says, “Same thing with us. We tried it all. Still we have a squirrel.”
The third rabbi says, “We used to have a squirrel problem, but not anymore!”
Now the other two rabbis are interested: “How did you do it?”
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Filed under: Congregants, Traditions
The Case of the Angry Honoree
A congregant has made a large contribution to his synagogue. But he has long since forgotten what meager knowledge of Hebrew he did possess, so he asks the rabbi not to call him up to read the blessings when the Torah is read.
“Please,” he says, “every eye will be on me. Some of my friends will be there and I don’t want to appear like an ignoramus!”
On the following Saturday, what does …
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Filed under: Congregants, Featured, Rabbis, Synagogue Life