Three Kopeks
Two souls met midway between heaven and earth. One was descending to be clothed in a body, and the other was ascending after a lifetime of service within the world.
“What is it like down there?” inquired the descending soul.
“Well, for three kopeks one can purchase the strands to be tied into tzitzis,” replied the ascending soul.
The descending soul eagerly hastened its descent. “Tzitzis for only three kopeks!” the soul echoed in amazement.
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Filed under: Featured, Synagogue Life, Traditions
The Butler Wasn’t Jewish
A Jewish couple in London won twenty-million pounds in the lottery. They bought a magnificent mansion in Knightsbridge and surrounded themselves with all the material wealth imaginable. They decided to hire a butler. They found the perfect butler through an agency, very proper and very British, and brought him back to their home. The day after his arrival, he was instructed to set up the dining table for four, as they were inviting the Cohens …
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Filed under: Non-Jewish
Golf Membership Application
An elderly Scottish Jew decided to retire and take up golf, so he applied for membership at a local golf club. About a week later he received a letter that his application has been rejected. He went to the club to inquire as to why.
Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?
Scot: Aye, but I am as Scottish as you are, ma’am, my name is MacTavish.
Secretary: Do you know that on formal …
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Filed under: Anti-Semitism, Circumcision
The Price of a Blindfold
Two Jews are being tied to posts, about to be shot by a firing squad.
The first one asks for a blindfold.
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Filed under: Anti-Semitism, Non-Jewish, Shlemiels & Shlimazels
A German and a Jew.
A German and a Jew were neighbors in Germany. The German had a hatred for all Jews. The Jew had a shop in which he sold yarn, next to the German’s. In all the time they were together, the German never bought anything from the Jew – he never ventured into his shop. One day the Jew walks into his shop and explains to the German that he is leaving for good to Israel. He begs the German to buy a small item from him as a token of their time together. The German refuses. The Jew pesters him so much that he at last agrees. He tells the Jew that he wants a piece of string from the tip of the Jew’s penis to the tip of his nose. …
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Filed under: Circumcision
Top Ten Reasons to Convert
A Jewish woman converted to Catholicism.
An incredulous neighbor asked, “Why on Earth did you do that?”
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Filed under: Conversion
The Stalled Elephant
Zimmerman, the big cloak-and-suiter, wanted to have the biggest Bar Mitzvah of all time for his son. So he mapped out a safari to Africa and chartered six jumbo jets for his guests, and another six planes for the hunting and camping equipment, food and drink.
Everyone piled on board and all the planes flew in formation to equatorial Africa. There, Zimmerman hired five hundred native pack-bearers and a dozen guides, cooks, and a master chef. …
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Filed under: Family Life, Fathers, Ritual, Synagogue Life, Traditions
A gorilla walked into a delicatessen…
A gorilla walked into Goldman’s delicatessen and ordered a pastrami sandwich on pumpernickel with a piece of pickle on the side — to go.
“That’ll be six dollars,” said Goldman, handing the ape the sandwich. “And I must say, I never expected to see a gorilla in my store!”
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Filed under: Kosher Food
All in the Family
A shnorrer was soliciting from Baron Rothschild for a handout. Displeased with the amount he’d been given, the shnorrer complained, “Your son gave me twice as much.”
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Filed under: Charity, Jewish History, Traditions
R-E-S-P-E-C-T, Tell Me What it Means to Me
There were two carriage drivers of Poland who were in constant rivalry for passengers. One was Ivan and the other Mikhail. One day, as Ivan was driving from Warsaw, and the other was approaching Warsaw from the opposite direction, they met on the road, several miles from the city.
When they recognized each other, they drew up their horses and exchanged chilly greetings.
“I see, Mikhail, that you have that crook, Yussel the Jew, as a passenger,” …
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Filed under: Jewish History, Non-Jewish
A Visit to Santa
A Jewish six-year-old is reluctantly dragged off to see Santa at a department store, and pushed onto a line of eager children. Unlike the other children, Sammy sullenly refuses to sit on Santa’s lap.
“What would you like for Christmas this year?” asks the white-bearded old gentleman.
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Filed under: Chanukah, Children, Holidays, Non-Jewish
The Christian Scientist
For the past five years Sidney has been a practicing Christian Scientist.
One Sunday morning, as he is leaving the apartment to go to church, his non-Jewish wife seizes his arm. “What’s the matter with you?” she cries. “You’re wearing a yarmulka!”
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Filed under: Conversion, Non-Jewish, Traditions
Bless Me Father For I Have Sinned
“Bless Me Father for I Have Sinned,” said a young man.
“What have you done, my son?”
“Father, I have fooled a Jew.”
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Filed under: Non-Jewish
The Emperor’s New Bodyguard
The emperor is auditioning for a new bodyguard. The first applicant enters, a giant swordsman with a frightening countenance. He releases an eagle that immediately whooshes around the room at high speed. The man draws his sword, swings three times in the air, and a dead eagle plummets to the floor in four pieces.
“That’s amazing!” exclaims the emperor. “You shall be my bodyguard; but first, to be fair, I must audition the two other applicants.”
The …
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Filed under: Circumcision