A gorilla walked into a delicatessen…
A gorilla walked into Goldman’s delicatessen and ordered a pastrami sandwich on pumpernickel with a piece of pickle on the side — to go.
“That’ll be six dollars,” said Goldman, handing the ape the sandwich. “And I must say, I never expected to see a gorilla in my store!”
…
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Filed under: Kosher Food
Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell
An elderly Jew goes into a butcher’s shop. Looking at what is on display, he points to the sliced ham and asks, “How much is that fish?”
The butcher replies, “It’s not fish, it’s meat!”
…
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Filed under: Kosher Food, Traditions
The Bacon Tree
Back in cowboy times, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food. No other humans had been seen for days, and then the pioneers saw an old Jew sitting beneath a tree.
“Is there some place ahead where we can get food?” they asked.
“Vell, I tink so,” the old man said, “but I wouldn’t go up dat hill und down de udder side. Somevun tole me you’d run into a big bacon tree.”
…
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Filed under: Kosher Food
The Penitent
Moshe goes to see his Rabbi. “Rabbi, last week I missed saying Birkhat HaMazon.”
“Why?” asked the Rabbi.
“Because I forgot to wash my hands before the meal.”
“That’s twice you’ve broken the law, but you still haven’t told me why.”
…
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Filed under: Congregants, Kosher Food, Yom Kippur
Lunch Time on the Roof
There once were three construction workers: one Scottish, one Irish, and one Jewish. They were working on the top of a building.
The Scottish man pulls out his lunch and says, “TUNA! I hate TUNA! If my wife gives me tuna tomorrow, I will jump off this building!”
The Irish man says, “EGG! I hate EGG! If my wife gives me egg tomorrow, I will jump off this building!”
The Jewish man says,
…
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Filed under: Kosher Food, Marriage, Shlemiels & Shlimazels
Last Decision
Three men, an Italian, a Frenchman, and a Jew, were condemned to be executed. Their captors told them that they had the right to have a final meal before the execution. They asked the Frenchman what he wanted.
“Give me the best French wine and French bread,” he requested.
So they gave it to him, he ate it, and then they executed him. Next it was the Italian’s turn.
“Give me a great big plate of pasta,” said …
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Filed under: Kosher Food
Herring is Good for Your Brain
A Jew and a non-Jew are traveling on a train together when suddenly the goy asks, “Why are you Jews so smart?”
The Jew is quiet for a moment and then says, “It’s because of all the herring we eat.”
A few hours later, the Jew takes out some herring and starts to eat it.
The goy asks, “How much herring do you have?”
The Jew answers, “A dozen pieces.”
“And how much do you want for a piece?”
“Twenty …
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Filed under: Kosher Food
Dinner at Bloom’s Kosher Restaurant
A group of Jewish American tourists are in London, and on their itinerary is listed a visit to Bloom’s Kosher Restaurant in Golders Green.
After being seated at the table, they are served by a Chinese waiter, who conducts the whole conversation in Yiddish!
…
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Filed under: Immigration, Kosher Food
A Hungry Man
An American Jew was shopping on Regent Street in London. He entered a posh gourmet food store. A sales representative, in a long morning coat with tie and tails, approached.
“May I be of help to you, sir?”
“Yes. I’d like a pound of lox.”
“Sorry, sir – do you mean smoked salmon?”
“Okay, a pound of smoked salmon.”
“Anything else, sir?”
…
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Filed under: Kosher Food
Keeping Kosher
A rabbi walking home from the synagogue saw one of his good friends, a pious and learned man who could usually beat the rabbi in religious arguments.
The rabbi walked faster to catch up to his friend, but was horrified to see his friend go into a Chinese restaurant. (Not a kosher one.)
Standing at the door, he observed his friend talking to a waiter and gesturing at a menu. A short time later, the waiter reappeared
carrying …
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Filed under: Congregants, Kosher Food, Rabbis, Traditions
Can You Top This?
“I know a synagogue so liberal, they have a microphone on Shabbos!”
“That’s nothing! I know a synagogue so liberal, they have ashtrays by the seats!”
“That’s still nothing! I know synagogue where they help congregants make it through the long Yom Kippur services by handing out food… ham sandwiches!”
…
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Filed under: Congregants, Kosher Food, Ritual, Synagogue Life, Yom Kippur
Fancy-Shmancy
An American Jew was shopping on Regent Street in London. He entered a posh gourmet food store. A sales representative, in a long morning coat with tie and tails, approached.
“May I be of help to you, sir?”
“Yes. I’d like a pound of lox.”
“Sorry, sir; do you mean smoked salmon?”
“Okay, a pound of smoked salmon.”
“Anything else, sir?”
“Yes, a dozen blintzes.”
“I believe you mean crepes, sir.”
“Okay, a dozen crepes.”
“Anything else, sir?”
“Yes. A pound of chopped liver.”
“You are …
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Filed under: Immigration, Kosher Food
Food For Thought
1.
I know a man so frum, he has two satellite dishes.
2.
A man dies and goes to heaven. There he finds an endless array of appealing foods. And at the dais he sees Hashem Himself! So he goes to Hashem and asks: “Tell me. Who’s your mashgiach?” Hashem answers, “Moshe Rabbenu.” The man thinks for moment, and then says, “I’ll have the fruit plate.”
3.
A blind man is sitting on …
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Filed under: Holidays, Kosher Food, Passover, Traditions