Jewish Jokes » Jewish Blue-ish
Do You Talk in Your Sleep?
“Benny, you’re looking oysegematert,” says Laurence. “What’s wrong?”
“I couldn’t get to sleep last night, that’s what’s wrong,” replies Benny. “Mine Hannah was moaning in her sleep all night long, shouting out the same words over and over again. And I got so worried and angry hearing them.”
“So what were these words?” asks Laurence.
Trying to mimic his wife’s voice, Benny replies, “NO JOSHUA NO, I’M TIRED! NO JOSHUA NO, I’M TIRED! NO JOSHUA NO, I’M TIRED! And she kept on repeating them over and over and over again.”
“So what don’t you like about those words?” asks Laurence. “They don’t seem very wrong to me.”
“Of course they’re wrong,” says Benny. “My name isn’t Joshua. So who can Joshua be?”
“Well obviously I don’t know that,” says Laurence, “but why not look at last …
Read the whole shebang »
Filed under: Jewish Blue-ish
A Dying Man’s Last Request
Ninety year old Shmuel is at the end of his life. He’s in a hospital bed with his sixty year old wife Becky sitting in a chair next to his bed. Suddenly, Shmuel opens his eyes and quietly says to her, “Becky, you know I’m going to die soon?”
“Yes, darling,” she replies quietly, “I know that.”
“Well then,” continues Shmuel, “now’s the time to be honest with me. Have you ever been unfaithful to me in all the time we’ve been married?”
…
Read the whole shebang »
Filed under: Jewish Blue-ish
The Jewish Prisoner
There were four male prisoners awaiting execution by the Germans. They were of different nationalities. One was an Englishman, the second one a Frenchman, the third one was Russian, and the last was a Jew. Before execution each man was told by the commanding German officer in turn what his occupation was in life. The Englishman said he was a baker, so the Germans baked his penis and he died. The Frenchman said he was a butcher, so the Germans hacked of his penis with a butcher’s knife. The Russian said he was a carpenter, so the Germans sawed off his penis. Lastly it was the Jew’s turn.
…
Read the whole shebang »
Filed under: Anti-Semitism, Jewish Blue-ish
When Every Second Counts
After many years of hard work, Sheldon and his wife Yetta at last begin to make serious money from their shmatta business. So much so that they celebrate their success by buying a brand new Bentley.
On their second day of car ownership, Sheldon says to Yetta, “Darling, why don’t you take the day off from the office and take the car on a short spin on the M1 Motorway? You’ll just love it.”
Yetta doesn’t need asking twice. One hour later, she’s cruising at 70 mph on the M1.
“Sheldon was right,” says Yetta to herself. “This car is absolute perfection. It’s a mechaiyeh.”
Soon, forgetting all about speed limits, she is travelling at over 100mph. And she’s absolutely kvelling as she increases her speed to 115mph, and then to 130mph and …
Read the whole shebang »
Filed under: Jewish Blue-ish
A True Professional
Mrs Lapidus achieved the nearly impossible feat of getting the landlord to paint the Lapidus’s apartment. Unfortunately, she neglected to tell her husband before be left the apartment that morning that the painters would be coming. That evening, when he went into the bedroom, took off his shoes, and put on his slippers, he put a grimy hand on the wall to steady himself, and left an ugly handprint.
Mrs. Lapidus berated him for his thoughtlessness and resolved …
Read the whole shebang »
Filed under: Jewish Blue-ish
A Fine Explanation
Yankele’s wife Feige came home early and found Yankele in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.
Feige was somewhat upset. ‘You are a disrespectful pig!’ she cried. ‘How dare you do this to me — a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a get right away!’
And Yankele replied, ‘Hang on just a minute Feige so at least I can tell you what happened.’
‘Fine, go ahead,’ she …
Read the whole shebang »
Filed under: Family Life, Jewish Blue-ish, Marriage
Buyer’s Remorse
Chaim, a New York Jew, has a thriving business as a producer of notions for the local garment industry. He seeks to expand his business by getting an order from a huge nationally-known company in the Midwest, which happens to be owned and managed entirely by gentiles.
After months of writing letters and making telephone calls, Chaim finally gets an appointment with company’s antisemitic head buyer.
…
Read the whole shebang »
Filed under: Circumcision, Jewish Blue-ish, Traditions
A Man’s Man
A Frenchman, an Italian, and a Jew were discussing how they had dominated their spouses. After the Frenchman, and the Italian finished their bragging, they turned to the Jew and asked, “How about you?”
…
Read the whole shebang »
Filed under: Jewish Blue-ish
The Bargain Cow
The only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow for 2,000 rubles, or one from Minsk for 1,000 rubles. Being frugal, they bought the cow from Minsk.
The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow …
Read the whole shebang »
Filed under: Jewish Blue-ish
A Screaming Contest
A group of three men met at a bar. One was Italian, one French, and one Jewish.
They began to speak of their wives. The Frenchman said, “I wiped butter all over my wife, and she screamed for twenty minutes!”
“That’s nothing!” the Italian exclaimed. “I rubbed pasta sauce on my wife, and she screamed for an hour!”
…
Read the whole shebang »
Filed under: Jewish Blue-ish
A Medical Dilemma
Ninety year old Jakie enters the crowded doctor’s waiting room office. The receptionist asks, “What’s your problem?”
Jakie replies loudly. “There’s something wrong with my putz!”
The irritated receptionist says, “You shouldn’t come into a crowded room full of people and say something like that!”
…
Read the whole shebang »
Filed under: Jewish Blue-ish
A Fourth at Bridge
Becky, hostessing her bridge club, gets a last-minute call from one of the players, who is calling to say she’s sick and has to stay home.
Unable to come up with a replacement on such short notice, Becky drafts her husband, Abe, a mediocre player at best, to sit in as the fourth.
During the game, Abe gets up to go to the bathroom.
…
Read the whole shebang »
Filed under: Jewish Blue-ish
Fatherhood
An old Jewish man gets on the subway in New York and sees a priest. He notices the white collar, and decides to ask what it’s about:
“Why do you wear your collar backwards?” The old Jewish man asks.
The Priest, being polite, responds, “Well, Sir, because I’m a father.”
“I am a father too, but I wear my collar normal.”
…
Read the whole shebang »
Filed under: Jewish Blue-ish, Non-Jewish
A Groaner
Morris comes home to find his wife, Sadie, crying.
“I found out from Mrs. Goldberg that you’ve been having an affair with that chippie secretary in your office. Why would you do that to me? Haven’t I always been the good wife? I’ve cooked for you, raised your children, and I’ve always been by your side for thirty-five years. What haven’t I done to make you happy?”
Embarrassed, Morris confesses, “It’s true, Sadie, you’ve been the …
Read the whole shebang »
Filed under: Jewish Blue-ish
The Lonely Widow’s Luck
A widowed Jewish lady was sunbathing on a beach at Ft. Myers, Florida. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand next to hers and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. “Hello, sir, how are you today?”
“Fine, thank you,” he responded, and turned back to his book.
“I love the beach. Do you come here often?” she asked. …
Read the whole shebang »
Filed under: Jewish Blue-ish