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	<title>Jewish Jokes</title>
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	<link>http://jewishjokes.org</link>
	<description>JewishJokes.org</description>
	<lastBuildDate>Wed, 16 May 2012 03:54:22 +0000</lastBuildDate>
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		<item>
		<title>Do You Talk in Your Sleep?</title>
		<link>http://jewishjokes.org/2012/05/do-you-talk-in-your-sleep/</link>
		<comments>http://jewishjokes.org/2012/05/do-you-talk-in-your-sleep/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Wed, 16 May 2012 03:54:22 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>JJ</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Jewish Blue-ish]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[infidelity]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[marriage]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://jewishjokes.org/?p=1967</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[&#8220;Benny, you&#8217;re looking oysegematert,&#8221; says Laurence. &#8220;What&#8217;s wrong?&#8221;
&#8220;I couldn&#8217;t get to sleep last night, that&#8217;s what&#8217;s wrong,&#8221; replies Benny.  &#8220;Mine Hannah was moaning in her sleep all night long, shouting out the same words over and over again. And I got so worried and angry hearing them.&#8221;

&#8220;So what were these words?&#8221; asks Laurence.

Trying to mimic his wife&#8217;s voice, Benny replies, &#8220;NO JOSHUA NO, I&#8217;M TIRED!     NO JOSHUA NO, I&#8217;M TIRED!      NO JOSHUA NO, I&#8217;M TIRED!  And she kept on repeating them over and over and over again.&#8221;

&#8220;So what don&#8217;t you like about those words?&#8221; asks Laurence. &#8220;They don&#8217;t seem very wrong to me.&#8221;

&#8220;Of course they&#8217;re wrong,&#8221; says Benny. &#8220;My name isn&#8217;t Joshua. So who can Joshua be?&#8221;

&#8220;Well obviously I don&#8217;t know that,&#8221; says Laurence, &#8220;but why not look at last night in a positive way. You should be pleased that your Hannah was rejecting this yentzer&#8217;s advances.&#8221;
]]></description>
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		<slash:comments>0</slash:comments>
		</item>
		<item>
		<title>A Dying Man&#8217;s Last Request</title>
		<link>http://jewishjokes.org/2012/05/a-dying-mans-last-request/</link>
		<comments>http://jewishjokes.org/2012/05/a-dying-mans-last-request/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Thu, 10 May 2012 04:02:23 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>JJ</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Jewish Blue-ish]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[deathbed]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[infidelity]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://jewishjokes.org/?p=1972</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[Ninety year old Shmuel is at the end of his life.  He&#8217;s in a hospital bed with his sixty year old wife Becky sitting in a chair next to his bed.  Suddenly, Shmuel opens his eyes and quietly says to her, &#8220;Becky, you know I&#8217;m going to die soon?&#8221;

&#8220;Yes, darling,&#8221; she replies quietly, &#8220;I know that.&#8221;

&#8220;Well then,&#8221; continues Shmuel, &#8220;now&#8217;s the time to be honest with me. Have you ever been unfaithful to me in all the time we&#8217;ve been married?&#8221;

After a lengthy silence, Becky replies, &#8220;Oy, Shmuel. I just don&#8217;t understand your question.&#8221;

&#8220;Becky,&#8221; says Shmuel, &#8220;you can tell me the truth now. I&#8217;m dying.  I can take it.  Did you ever make love to other men whilst we were married?&#8221;

But Becky just sits there in silence.

&#8220;What&#8217;s the problem?&#8221; asks Shmuel.

&#8220;I&#8217;m worried,&#8221; replies Becky.  &#8220;Suppose I tell you and you don&#8217;t die?&#8221;
]]></description>
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		<slash:comments>0</slash:comments>
		</item>
		<item>
		<title>Fat Doctor</title>
		<link>http://jewishjokes.org/2012/05/fat-docto/</link>
		<comments>http://jewishjokes.org/2012/05/fat-docto/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Sat, 05 May 2012 03:57:17 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>JJ</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Grandparents]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Shlemiels & Shlimazels]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[compliments]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[doctors]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[elderly]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[fat people]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[retirement homes]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://jewishjokes.org/?p=1969</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[Dr. Simon is doing his rounds at the Minsky Retirement Home when he comes to ninety year old Hetty.  As soon as she sees him, she says, &#8220;My, you are sure looking very handsome today, doctor.&#8221;

&#8220;Thank you Hetty,&#8221; says doctor Simon. &#8220;It&#8217;s very nice of you to say that.&#8221;

&#8220;Ha,&#8221; says Hetty, &#8220;I can see from your face that you don&#8217;t believe me.  But I&#8217;m really sincere, doctor.  I always tell the truth.&#8221;

&#8220;OK, Hetty, I believe you,&#8221; says doctor Simon.  &#8220;But I didn&#8217;t jump for joy because I&#8217;m just not used to getting compliments.&#8221;

&#8220;You don&#8217;t get any compliments, doctor, because you&#8217;re a khozzer,&#8221; says Hetty, &#8220;and you&#8217;re completely overweight as a result.  But as I&#8217;ve just told you, you&#8217;re nevertheless a handsome khozzer.&#8221;
]]></description>
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		<slash:comments>0</slash:comments>
		</item>
		<item>
		<title>A Shopping Spree</title>
		<link>http://jewishjokes.org/2012/05/a-shopping-spree/</link>
		<comments>http://jewishjokes.org/2012/05/a-shopping-spree/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Tue, 01 May 2012 19:24:33 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>JJ</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Family Life]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Marriage]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[jewelry]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[shopping]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://jewishjokes.org/?p=1964</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[Rachel decides to do some shopping and manages to persuade her husband Howard to join her at the shopping center. After two hours of looking around one women&#8217;s clothes shop after another, Rachel suddenly realizes that Howard is no longer with her.  So she calls him on his mobile phone to see what&#8217;s what.
&#8220;So where are you?&#8221; she angrily asks Howard.  &#8220;I thought we were shopping together.&#8221;
&#8220;Don&#8217;t get broyges, darling,&#8221; replies Howard.  &#8220;Do you remember the jewellery shop by the escalator in the middle of the Shopping Center, the one we spent time in last year and where we saw a lovely gold necklace for you but which was just a little bit too expensive for us to buy and where I said I would get it for you one day?&#8221;

&#8220;Yes, of course I do, darling&#8221; replies Rachel excitedly.  &#8220;Why do you ask?&#8221;

&#8220;Well I&#8217;m in the Cafe next door to ...]]></description>
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		</item>
		<item>
		<title>A Date With Justice</title>
		<link>http://jewishjokes.org/2012/04/a-date-with-justice/</link>
		<comments>http://jewishjokes.org/2012/04/a-date-with-justice/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Sat, 28 Apr 2012 19:18:36 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>JJ</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Rabbis]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[beis din]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[bet din]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[dates]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[lawsuits]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[rabbis]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://jewishjokes.org/?p=1962</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[Louis and Hymie are arguing strongly about a consignment of dried Israeli dates that Hymie has recently bought from Louis. 
&#8220;Just look at them,&#8221; says Hymie. &#8220;Any shmuck can see that they are not fresh enough for me to sell in my shop.  I want my money back.  And if I don&#8217;t get it, I&#8217;ll have to find another distributor.&#8221;

But Louis disagrees with him.  &#8220;There is nothing at all wrong with these dates,&#8221; he says, &#8220;so I won&#8217;t be returning any money to you.&#8221;

Their arguing gets so serious that they decide to go to the Rabbi for a decision.
The Rabbi hears both sides of the story, then without saying a word, takes a date from the box on the table, looks at it very carefully, removes the stone, pops the date into his mouth, chews it, swallows it, and then thinks for a few seconds.  He then repeats his actions ...]]></description>
		<wfw:commentRss>http://jewishjokes.org/2012/04/a-date-with-justice/feed/</wfw:commentRss>
		<slash:comments>0</slash:comments>
		</item>
		<item>
		<title>The Materialistic Cyclist</title>
		<link>http://jewishjokes.org/2012/04/the-materialistic-cyclist/</link>
		<comments>http://jewishjokes.org/2012/04/the-materialistic-cyclist/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Fri, 20 Apr 2012 00:07:11 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>JJ</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Family Life]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Marriage]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[God]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Goldwing]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Hawaii]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[women]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://jewishjokes.org/?p=1943</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[A man was riding along a Florida beach on his Goldwing when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God called out, &#8220;Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.&#8221;
The biker pulled over and said, &#8220;Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.&#8221;
God replied, &#8220;Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking.  The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific, and the concrete and steel it would take!  I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.  Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.&#8221;
The biker thought about it for a long time.  Finally, he said, &#8220;God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women.  I ...]]></description>
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		<slash:comments>0</slash:comments>
		</item>
		<item>
		<title>An Apple a Day</title>
		<link>http://jewishjokes.org/2012/04/an-apple-a-day/</link>
		<comments>http://jewishjokes.org/2012/04/an-apple-a-day/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Mon, 16 Apr 2012 17:25:10 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>JJ</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Israel]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Politics]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[apples]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[bus]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[culture wars]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[heredi]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[heredim]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Jerusalem]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[modesty]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[tsnius]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[tznius]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://jewishjokes.org/?p=1681</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[A very attractive and sparsely dressed woman gets on the 8 AM bus going to Jerusalem.  It&#8217;s a popular bus with haredim, and it&#8217;s almost full when she gets on.  She looks around for a seat and can only find one next to Elimelech, a black-hat yeshiva bochur.   So she walks over to the seat and sits down. 
Her short dress embarrasses Elimelech so much that he begins to squirm.  Then, five minutes into her journey, the bochur gets up to leave the bus.  He takes an apple out of his bag and hands it to her.

&#8220;What&#8217;s this for?&#8221; she asks. &#8220;Why did you give me this apple?&#8221;

&#8220;I gave it to you,&#8221; replies the haredi young man, &#8220;because it says in the Torah that Chava didn&#8217;t realize she was naked until she ate the apple.&#8221;

The next morning, the woman dresses in a more sensible way, and gets on the same ...]]></description>
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		<slash:comments>0</slash:comments>
		</item>
		<item>
		<title>Henny Youngman, Eat Your Heart Out</title>
		<link>http://jewishjokes.org/2012/04/henny-youngman-eat-your-heart-out/</link>
		<comments>http://jewishjokes.org/2012/04/henny-youngman-eat-your-heart-out/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Wed, 11 Apr 2012 17:19:22 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>JJ</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Family Life]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Marriage]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[arguments]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[husbands and wives]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[married life]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[one-liners]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://jewishjokes.org/?p=1674</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[Last night my wife and I had words, but I didn&#8217;t get to use mine.     
]]></description>
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		<slash:comments>0</slash:comments>
		</item>
		<item>
		<title>Matchmaker, Matchmaker&#8230;</title>
		<link>http://jewishjokes.org/2012/04/matchmaker-matchmaker/</link>
		<comments>http://jewishjokes.org/2012/04/matchmaker-matchmaker/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Fri, 06 Apr 2012 16:46:44 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>JJ</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Children]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Family Life]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Fathers]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Marriage]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Mothers]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[fathers]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[girlfriends]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[mariage]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[mothers]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[romance]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://jewishjokes.org/?p=1666</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[At the morning minyan, Rabbi Weinstock couldn&#8217;t help noticing twenty-something year-old Benny sitting at the back of the shul, looking very sad. After the service, Rabbi Weinstock goes to him.  &#8220;What&#8217;s wrong, Benny?  Tell me.  Maybe I can help.&#8221;
&#8220;Oh, Rabbi,&#8221; replies Benny, &#8220;I just don&#8217;t know what to do.  Whenever I bring a new girlfriend to my house and introduce her to my parents&#8230; no matter how wonderful the girl is, my mother always tells me she doesn&#8217;t like her at all.&#8221;

&#8220;I&#8217;ve heard this story many times before,&#8221; says the Rabbi, &#8220;but I have a tried and tested solution for you.  Next time you choose a girlfriend, make sure she not only looks just like your mother, but also talks like your mother, laughs like your mother, cooks like your mother, and dresses like your mother.  Believe me, Benny, if you can find such a girl, your mother will absolutely ...]]></description>
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		<slash:comments>0</slash:comments>
		</item>
		<item>
		<title>Long Live Esperanto!</title>
		<link>http://jewishjokes.org/2012/04/long-live-esperanto/</link>
		<comments>http://jewishjokes.org/2012/04/long-live-esperanto/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Tue, 03 Apr 2012 02:33:11 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>JJ</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Jewish History]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Politics]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Esperanto]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[World Peace]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Yiddish]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Zamenhof]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://jewishjokes.org/?p=1619</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[In the 1920&#8242;s, an Esperanto convention was held in Brazil.  Learned scholars from every part of the globe participated &#8212; Esperantists from England, France, Spain, Germany, Italy, Russia, the United States, Mexico, Canada, South Africa &#8212; you name it, it was represented there.
Presentation after presentation extolled the value of Esperanto, explaining how sharing a common language would lead to world peace, universal understanding, and a utopian future.
In the cafeteria between sessions, everybody spoke Yiddish.
]]></description>
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		<slash:comments>2</slash:comments>
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