Jewish Jokes » Archive
Happy St. Patrick’s Day!
Standing on the Fifth Avenue sidewalk, two elderly Jewish women watch admiringly as the leading marchers in the parade approach. Wearing a broad green sash, the top-hatted Lord Mayor of Dublin is out in front as Grand Marshal, smiling and waving to the crowd.
“Isn’t it wonderful? Imagine! The St. Patrick’s Day parade,” the first woman exclaims, “and a Jewish boy is leading it.”
Her companion nods in agreement. “Yes, it could only happen in New …
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Filed under: Holidays, Uncategorized
The French Way
When Mr. Ginsberg, a widower, retired he decided to treat himself to a trip to Paris, and booked passage on the French liner Liberte, famous for its opulence and its cuisine. On the first night he was seated by the Maitre d’ at a table facing another passenger traveling alone — a Frenchman who spoke no English. The Frenchman, already seated at the table, smiles at Mr. Ginsberg and says, “Bon appetit.”
Mr. Ginsberg, who speaks …
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Filed under: Immigration, Uncategorized
Ah, Paris!
On her first trip to Paris, Mrs. Lapidus sees Mrs. Cohen, a friend from the Upper West Side, walking on the Champs Elysees. She rushes up to her, exclaiming effusively and without pausing, “Sadie, Sadie, I didn’t know you were going to be in Paris! Is Irving with you? Oh, isn’t this city marvelous? We’ve seen almost everything, but one thing bothers me. Would you believe that we’ve been here three days, and I haven’t …
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Filed under: Immigration
Crackpot History
An ingenious example of speech and politics occurred recently in the United Nations Assembly and made the world community smile. A representative from Israel began:
‘Before beginning my talk I want to tell you something about Moses: When he struck the rock and it brought forth water, he thought, ‘What a good opportunity to have a bath!’
Moses removed his clothes, put them aside on the rock and entered the …
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Miami Beach Aspirations
Mrs. Sam Lapidus from the Bronx is delighted to find that her sunbathing companion at Miami Beach each day is a bejeweled Mrs. Irving Goldstein from Great Neck on Long Island. Fascinated by Mrs. Goldstein, Mrs. Lapidus has studied her carefully for clues to her age. She cannot detect signs of a face lift. There is no evidence of graying roots in her carefully coiffed blonde tresses.
Finally, unhappy with her inability to find age-revealing clues, …
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Filed under: Immigration, Jewish History
Pennies From Heaven
A man walked to the top of a hill to talk to God. The man asked, “God, what’s a million years to you?”
And God said, “a minute.”
Then the man asked, “Well, what’s a million dollars to you?”
…
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Filed under: Uncategorized
A Fine Explanation
Yankele’s wife Feige came home early and found Yankele in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.
Feige was somewhat upset. ‘You are a disrespectful pig!’ she cried. ‘How dare you do this to me — a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a get right away!’
And Yankele replied, ‘Hang on just a minute Feige so at least I can tell you what happened.’
‘Fine, go ahead,’ she …
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Filed under: Family Life, Jewish Blue-ish, Marriage
My Jewish PC
If I had a Jewish PC,
…
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Filed under: Shabbat, Traditions
Buried Alive
As a result of an earthquake an elderly Jewish married couple were
buried in a cellar.
A rescue command of the Red Cross rakes out the ruins to release them. Finally, only a wall separates them.
A rescue worker knocks with the hammer against the wall to give a signal to the buried.
…
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Filed under: Traditions
A Bridge to Hawaii
A Jewish man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, “Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.”
The man said, “Build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want.”
The Lord said, “Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that …
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Filed under: Family Life, Marriage
They Used Goldberg’s Nails
Old Mister Goldberg opens a hardware store. He finds a picture of Jesus nailed to the cross, left from the previous occupant. Goldberg hangs it up as an advertisement with the caption: “They used Goldberg’s nails.”
His son, upon seeing this, exclaims to his father, “You can’t use that! It will cause antisemitism.”
…
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Filed under: Anti-Semitism
Ahmadinejad’s Wish Come True
A Canadian, an Iranian, and an Israeli find an old lamp in the desert. A genie floats out and offers to grant three wishes, one for each of them.
The Canadian says, “In my my family we have always been farmers. I want my land to be very fruitful.”
The genie grants his wish.
The Iraqi says,
…
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Buyer’s Remorse
Chaim, a New York Jew, has a thriving business as a producer of notions for the local garment industry. He seeks to expand his business by getting an order from a huge nationally-known company in the Midwest, which happens to be owned and managed entirely by gentiles.
After months of writing letters and making telephone calls, Chaim finally gets an appointment with company’s antisemitic head buyer.
…
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Filed under: Circumcision, Jewish Blue-ish, Traditions
Desert Dress Code
A man is plodding through the desert, desperate for water, when he sees something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walks towards the image, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it.
“I”m dying of thirst, can I have some water?”
“I don’t have any water. Buy a tie? Here’s one that goes very nicely.”
“I …
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Filed under: Anti-Semitism
High Tech Comes to Israel First
Digging to a depth of one thousand meters last year, French scientists found traces of copper wire dating back one thousand years. The French came to the conclusion that their ancestors had a telephone network centuries ago.
Not to be outdone by the French, English scientists dug to a depth of two thousand meters. Shortly thereafter, headlines in the UK newspapers read, “English archaeologists have found traces of a two-thousand-year-old fiber-optic cable, and have …
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Filed under: Israel