Jewish Jokes » Entries tagged with "Hashem"
Pennies From Heaven
A man walked to the top of a hill to talk to God. The man asked, “God, what’s a million years to you?”
And God said, “a minute.”
Then the man asked, “Well, what’s a million dollars to you?”
…
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Filed under: Uncategorized
The Water Hazard
Moses and Hashem are playing golf.
Moses went to take the shot. The ball landed in the pond, and sank to the bottom. Moses walked up to the pond, stuck his club into the ground, and the water split in half. He walked into the pond on dry land, the water hazard forming walls on the left and the right, and from there he took another shot: Hole in two.
Hashem shoots …
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Filed under: Traditions, Uncategorized
Sammy’s Good News
Sam was ready to tee off this gorgeous Sunday morning. He looked up to the sky and said, “Please God, tell me there’s a golf course in Heaven.”
The skies opened up and a deep voice proclaimed, “Sam, I have some good news and some bad news.”
“So, what’s the good news?”, asked Sammy.
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Filed under: Congregants
Adam and Eve and Ted and Alice
Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God’s omnipotence did not extend to His own children:
After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said was: “DON’T!”
“Don’t what?” Adam replied.
“Don’t eat the forbidden fruit.” God said.
“Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit?
“Hey Eve! We have forbidden fruit!”
“No Way!”
…
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Filed under: Children, Family Life, Fathers, Mothers
The Army of Hashem
Jack was coming out of shul; the Rabbi was standing at the door, as he always did, to shake hands.
The Rabbi grabbed Jack by the hand and pulled him aside. The rabbi said to him, “You need to join the Army of HaShem!”
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Filed under: Congregants, Rabbis, Synagogue Life
Food For Thought
1.
I know a man so frum, he has two satellite dishes.
2.
A man dies and goes to heaven. There he finds an endless array of appealing foods. And at the dais he sees Hashem Himself! So he goes to Hashem and asks: “Tell me. Who’s your mashgiach?” Hashem answers, “Moshe Rabbenu.” The man thinks for moment, and then says, “I’ll have the fruit plate.”
3.
A blind man is sitting on …
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Filed under: Holidays, Kosher Food, Passover, Traditions
The Eleventh Plague
Moses was sitting in the Egyptian ghetto. Things were terrible: Pharaoh wouldn’t even speak to him; the rest of the Israelites were mad at him; the overseers even more irritable than usual. He was about ready to give up.
Suddenly a booming, sonorous voice spoke from above: “Yo, Moses, heed me! I have good news… and bad news.”
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Filed under: Jewish History, Passover