Jewish Jokes » Entries tagged with "marriage"
Do You Talk in Your Sleep?
“Benny, you’re looking oysegematert,” says Laurence. “What’s wrong?”
“I couldn’t get to sleep last night, that’s what’s wrong,” replies Benny. “Mine Hannah was moaning in her sleep all night long, shouting out the same words over and over again. And I got so worried and angry hearing them.”
“So what were these words?” asks Laurence.
Trying to mimic his wife’s voice, Benny replies, “NO JOSHUA NO, I’M TIRED! NO JOSHUA NO, I’M TIRED! NO JOSHUA NO, I’M TIRED! And she kept on repeating them over and over and over again.”
“So what don’t you like about those words?” asks Laurence. “They don’t seem very wrong to me.”
“Of course they’re wrong,” says Benny. “My name isn’t Joshua. So who can Joshua be?”
“Well obviously I don’t know that,” says Laurence, “but why not look at last …
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Filed under: Jewish Blue-ish
From Generation to Generation
A sixty year old man went to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, “You’re in terrific shape. There`s nothing wrong with you. You have the body of a thirty-five year old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?”
The sixty year old responded, “Who said he was dead?”
The doctor was surprised and asked, “How old is he, and is he very active?”
The sixty year old responded, “Well, he is …
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Filed under: Family Life, Grandparents, Marriage, Mothers
With Friends Like This…
Moshe meets his friend Sidney in Brent Cross shopping center.
“What’s the matter Sidney?” asks Moshe, “you’re looking a bit agitated.”
“It’s probably because I’ve just learned that my wife Talia has run off with my best friend,” replies Sidney.
…
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Filed under: Marriage
Starting Off on the Wrong Foot
One Sunday, two separate wedding ceremonies take place in Bushey shul. First of all, Mervyn gets married to Lisa from Golders Green. Then later in the afternoon, Aaron gets married to Hannah from Israel.
So, you might ask, did both their marriages start on a positive note?
Well, on his first day of married life, Mervyn says to Lisa, “You’ll always have to do all the house cleaning, all the cooking, and all the washing and drying up of crockery on your own. That’s what my mother always did, and that’s what I will expect you to do from now onwards. And I’ll try to help you whenever I can.”
On his second day of married life, Mervyn doesn’t notice anything different; but on his third day, Mervyn is pleased to see that …
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Filed under: Family Life, Marriage, Weddings
A Bridge to Hawaii
A Jewish man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, “Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.”
The man said, “Build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want.”
The Lord said, “Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that …
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Filed under: Family Life, Marriage
Not a Routine Traffic Stop
A policeman stops a Jewish driver.
He tells him, “Excuse me Sir, there seems to be a problem.”
He replies, “Yes Officer, how can I help?”
The policeman says, “I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news for you…”
The driver replies: “Oh no. Please, tell me…”
…
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Filed under: Family Life, Marriage
A Lifetime Together
Isaac is on his death bed with beloved wife Esther sitting with him.
He says: “Esther, when I was twenty and I failed my driving test, you were by my side…”
Esther: “Yes, my love…”
…
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Filed under: Family Life, Marriage
The Winning Ticket
Becky runs into the house and yells to her husband, “Izzy, pack your bags! I won the lottery!”
“Should I pack for warm weather or cold?” asks Izzy excitedly!
…
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Filed under: Family Life, Marriage
An Amazing Man
A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Moishe.”
Passenger: “Who?”
Cabbie: “A guy who did everything right, like my coming along for you just when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that with Moishe every single time.”
Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”
Cabbie: “Not Moishe. He was a terrific athlete. …
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Filed under: Family Life, Marriage
A Professional Image
Moshe and Esther go to see the rabbi before their marriage.
The Rabbi says “Vell Moshe, tell me about yourself.”
“Vell Rabbi, dis is mein thoid marriage.”
“OK,” says the Rabbi, “Esther, tell me about yourself.”
“Vell Rabbi, dis is also my third marriage.”
…
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Secrets are for Sharing
Miriam and Sadie are lying on their sunbeds. Sadie turns to Miriam and says, “I can’t keep it a secret any longer, I’m having an affair.”
Miriam nods. “So who’s doing the catering?”
…
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Filed under: Family Life
A Mother Knows
A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he’s fallen in love and that he is going to get married. He says, “Just for fun, Ma, I’m going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I’m going to marry.”
…
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Filed under: Family Life, Featured, Marriage, Mothers