Jewish Jokes » Entries tagged with "rabbi"
The Rabbi’s New Hat
Only a week earlier, the popular rabbi had been given a new fur hat as a Chanukah present. Now someone had stolen it.
There was only one way to find out who had perpetrated this crime, so the rabbi sent for Louie, the town’s king of thieves.
“How about it, Louie? Do you think you can get my fur hat back?” asked the rabbi.
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Filed under: Chanukah, Congregants, Rabbis, Synagogue Life
Pro-Life?
A priest, a vicar and a rabbi are asked the question, “When does life begin?”
The priest says: “The moment of conception.”
The vicar replies: “The moment of birth.”
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Filed under: Children, Family Life, Rabbis
The Disloyal Customer
A single young man, having no family, often ate at a restaurant in the center of the city of Chelm. He knew the owner, Moishe, and he ate there regularly. The only other restaurant in Chelm, Chaim’s, was located directly across the street from Moishe’s.
One day, the young man went to eat at Chaim’s; and when Moishe saw what had happened, he was totally distraught. He said, “How can you not eat at my …
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Filed under: Shlemiels & Shlimazels
True Love
A rabbi was called to a Miami Beach nursing home to perform a wedding. An anxious old man met him at the door. The rabbi sat down to counsel the old man and asked several questions:
“Do you love her?”
The old man replied, “I guess.”
“Is she a good Jewish woman?”
“I don’t know for sure,” the old man answered.
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Filed under: Family Life, Weddings
Taken for a Ride
A rabbi gets on a city bus. He doesn’t see a seat open. He says to a woman, “If you have what I have, you’ll give me your seat.”
The woman thinks a little and quietly gives her seat up.
The Rabbi sees a man on his cell phone. He says, “If you have what I have, you’ll let me use your cell phone for a few minutes.”
The man looks confused but gives his cell phone to …
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Filed under: Uncategorized
A Papal Visit
A leading Israeli Rabbi had a meeting with the Pope. While negotiating a papal visit to The Holy Land, the Rabbi noticed a distinctive red phone on the Pope’s desk.
The Rabbi asked what the phone was for. The Pope explained that it’s a direct line to God.
The Rabbi asked if he could test it, and the pope replied, “Of course, but you should leave one-hundred dollars for the call.” The Rabbi thanked him and used …
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Filed under: Israel
Ecumenical Outreach
There was an amazing accident involving a rabbi and a priest. The cars are completely shattered, though the rabbi and the priest don’t even bear a scratch between them.
The priest looks at the rabbi’s kipa and says: “Oh. You’re a rabbi.”
The rabbi looks at the priest’s collar and says: “Oh. You’re a priest.”
“Yes,” answered the priest.
“Well look at this: both of our cars are shattered to bits, but none of …
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Filed under: Non-Jewish, Rabbis
The Big Game
Gottlieb called his rabbi and said, “I know tonight is Kol Nidre, but tonight is the European Cup Final, and my team is playing. I’ve got to watch the game on TV.”
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Filed under: Congregants, Holidays, Rabbis, Synagogue Life, Yom Kippur
Sun and Moon
In the town of Chelm, the Council of Sages entered a heated debate over whether the sun or the moon was more important. The dispute spread until the whole city was split into the “suns” and the “moons”.
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Filed under: Rabbis, Traditions
A Legacy
A Catholic priest, a Protestant minister, and a rabbi are discussing what they would like people to say after they die and their bodies are being prepared for burial.
Priest: I would like someone to say, “He was a righteous man, an honest man, and very generous.”
Minister: I would like someone to say, “He was very kind and fair, and he was very good to his parishioners.”
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Filed under: Rabbis, Traditions
Keeping Kosher
A rabbi walking home from the synagogue saw one of his good friends, a pious and learned man who could usually beat the rabbi in religious arguments.
The rabbi walked faster to catch up to his friend, but was horrified to see his friend go into a Chinese restaurant. (Not a kosher one.)
Standing at the door, he observed his friend talking to a waiter and gesturing at a menu. A short time later, the waiter reappeared
carrying …
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Filed under: Congregants, Kosher Food, Rabbis, Traditions
The Army of Hashem
Jack was coming out of shul; the Rabbi was standing at the door, as he always did, to shake hands.
The Rabbi grabbed Jack by the hand and pulled him aside. The rabbi said to him, “You need to join the Army of HaShem!”
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Filed under: Congregants, Rabbis, Synagogue Life
Paranoid
Moishe goes to see the Rabbi. “Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.”
“What’s wrong?” Asked the Rabbi
“My wife is poisoning me.”
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, “How can that be?”
Moishe pleads, “I’m telling you, I’m certain she’s poisoning me, what should I do?”
The Rabbi then offers, “Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I’ll see what I can find out and I’ll let you know.”
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Filed under: Family Life, Marriage, Rabbis
It Happens Every Day
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi walk into a bar.
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Filed under: Rabbis